I’m Not a Fat Bastard

by Paul Brannigan for Kerrang! (1999)

Andy Cairns has had easier days. Therapy? are locked in a room with nine Kerrang! readers and they’d very much like to know how often the ‘pissed bloke with a stupid beard’ masturbates, why he snogs other men and the exact nature of his relationship with the pies…

Heroes of the day at Ozzfest when they stepped in at the last minute to replace the sprog-anticipating Korn, Therapy? have always been a true band of the people. Which is good, because today we’re turning them over for interrogation by nine of their most devoted fans.

Basically the poor bastard had been asked to sing on his own tribute album, which is pretty f**king embarrassing, but we were glad we did it because we got to meet Ozzy.

One of these fans has a Therapy? tattoo on his shoulder. One has seen the band 20 times. And one, Sheenagh Lee, has arrived at K! HQ dressed as a fairy and is convinced the band hate her. Without the intrusion of pesky journalist scum, the quartet—vocalist / guitarist Andy Cairns, guitarist / cellist Martin McCarrick, bassist Michael McKeegan and drummer Graham Hopkins—might have been expecting an easy ride. They were wrong…

Robert Breese: “With A&M Records closing, what’s the situation with your record deal?”

Andy: “We haven’t got one! When A&M collapsed we thought we were going to get asked to move to one of the Polygram labels but that didn’t happen so we’re talking to a lot of other people at the minute and it’s looking okay. We’ll be signed again next year, no problem.”

Michael: “As a band we’re young, free and single right now.”

Joel Wreford: “How did you feel about doing Ozzfest after Ozzy slagged off the version of Iron Man you did with him?”

Andy: “The Iron Man thing was blown out of proportion. Michael and I went to LA to record the song with Ozzy, and afterwards he said it was cool. We got photos taken with him and thought, ‘That’s the coolest guy we’ve ever met’. The next week he was saying, ‘What a load of shit that song is’, so I just went, ‘What an old wanker’! Basically the poor bastard had been asked to sing on his own tribute album, which is pretty f**king embarrassing, but we were glad we did it because we got to meet Ozzy. Afterwards, we toured America together and no one has ever treated us better. I’ll never hear a bad word said about Ozzy or Sabbath.”

Sheenagh Lee: “Since you were such a big hit at the Ozzfest, have you considered wearing big baggy trousers and down-tuning your guitars for the next album?”

Graham: “Yeah, right. I can’t believe the amount of young American bands who all look and sound the same—and it’s all shit.”

Andy: “We’re more of a rock ’n’ roll band, and if we were to come out with loads of face-piercings and baggy trousers now it’d be such a sell-out. Korn are great but we wouldn’t want to sound like them.”

Last night, we thought there was no point us carrying on because we’d never be as good as Sabbath. Fortunately, we sobered up this morning…

Michael: “Personally, I couldn’t be arsed spending two hours before each gig slapping fanny-man make-up on my face. I’d rather be rocking my balls off.”

Ronnie George: “What bands made you want to form Therapy??”

Michael: “At the start it was American guitar bands like Hüsker Dü, Black Flag and The Pixies. Bands whose records we had to make a real effort to get hold of when we were growing up in Northern Ireland. But we’ve never sat down and tried to sound like another band.”

Graham: “Last night, we thought there was no point us carrying on because we’d never be as good as Sabbath. Fortunately, we sobered up this morning…”

Paul Shaw: “If you were starting out now, which bands would you aspire to be like?”

Andy: “If I was 18 now, I’d probably be into Monster Magnet or Fu Manchu, heavy bands who’re really entertaining. But probably the most important band that’s come up since we started out was Nirvana.”

Juliet Paine: “Andy is it true that you once snogged Richey James from the Manic Street Preachers?”

Andy: “Yeah. They were playing a gig at the Kilburn National in London and I got very drunk on the train up to the gig. It was the gig where they said they hoped that REM’s Michael Stipe got AIDS. At the party afterwards I went up to Richey and said, ‘Prove you’re not homophobic’. He proved it by snogging me. The only problem was we did it in front of loads of press photographers, so when I went back home into my local bar a week later everyone was like, ‘Ah Cairnsy, snogging boys now are you?…’.”

Amanda Waithe: “In the past, you always steered clear of making comments about the political situation in Northern Ireland. But when you played with Groop Dogdrill during the Kerrang! Awards gigs, you said that after the Omagh bombing you were going to use your influence to speak about it more. What kind of things are you thinking of saying?”

Andy: “Well, it’s kinda touchy to write songs about Northern Ireland because it’s difficult to some up the situation. But what we say every night onstage is that people see Northern Ireland as a sectarian and divided place, and yet in this band Michael’s a Catholic, I’m Protestant, Graham’s from Southern Ireland and Martin’s English. It’s not taking much to get us all around the same table, and if we can get the politicians to sit down and talk we can work things out together. I’d rather highlight than start writing songs about hands across the barricades.”

We used to know a bloke who we called ‘Too Cool To Wank’, because he’d go on tour with us and go, ‘Eurghh, you’re always wanking’, and then we’d catch him doing it too.

Ben Firth: “Is there anyone you’d like to collaborate with in the future?”

Andy: “It’d be nice to do something with James Manic, because we know each other really well. Or with James Hetfield, because he’s amazing—but that’s just a fantasy thing which might not work in reality.”

Stephen Marley: “Were you disappointed by people’s reaction to Infernal Love?”

Andy: “No, because at the end of the day you have to make records for yourself. I worked for five years in a factory making tyres for other people, and if I had to tailor music to other people it’d be just as boring. I actually got more fan mail asking about lyrics and stuff on Infernal Love than I did with Troublegum, even though Troublegum sold more. At the time, everyone was complaining about us putting cellos on the album and now The Verve and every c**t in pop has got cellos on their record. People forget we were doing it first!”

Robert Breese: “Andy, do you get pissed off when people chant ‘you fat bastard’ at you during gigs?”

Andy: “No. What am I going to do—start going (adopts blubbering baby voice), ‘I’m not fat’? I’d rather have 4,000 people coming to see Therapy? and shouting ‘you fat bastard!’ than standing in silence. Anyway (adopts Cartman from South Park voice), I’m not fat, I’m just big-boned.”

Ben Firth: “What’s the story behind the question mark in your name?”

Andy: “We saw a TV show about advertising in the ’50s, and in America they used to have signs like ‘Hungry?’ beside a diner. That was the thinking behind it when we advertised our shows at the start. When we were doing the cover of Babyteeth I bought a letra-set and was designing it in my flat. I realised that I’d started writing our name too far to the left and it looked kinda weird—the work of a pissed bloke with a stupid beard, basically. So we kept the question mark in to make it look right.”

Sheenagh Lee: “Andy, how does it feel to be remembered as the bloke who wrote ‘masturbation saved my life’?”

Andy: “Fine. If most people are honest, they’d say the same thing! We used to know a bloke who we called ‘Too Cool To Wank’, because he’d go on tour with us and go, ‘Eurghh, you’re always wanking’, and then we’d catch him doing it too. It’s a better way of releasing tension than going out and killing people!”

The Kerrang! Crew

The nine people grilling Therapy? were…

Name: Stephen Marley.
Age: 17.
From: South London.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “They’ve got a really unique sound, and they’ve kept changing and adapting with each album.”

Name: Robert Breese.
Age: 17.
From: Chalfont St Peter, Bucks.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “They’re just a really cool band and really nice people.”

Name: Juliet Paine.
Age: 16.
From: Wilts.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “The solo in Punishment Kiss.”

Name: Joel Wreford.
Age: 19.
From: Bedwin, Wilts.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “Fyfe Ewing’s drumming when he was in the band.”

Name: Amanda Waithe.
Age: 19.
From: Milton Keynes, Bucks.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “The ‘Hyper-Mania’ tour.”

Name: Ronnie George.
Age: 19.
From: Romford, Essex.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “Andy Cairns’ lyrics.”

Name: Sheenagh Lee. Or “She-Ra, Princess of Power”.
Age: 16.
From: Swanley, Kent.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “They were better than Slayer at the Ozzfest.”

Name: Paul Shaw.
Age: 17.
From: Egham, Surrey.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “In a nutshell, their music.”

Name: Ben Firth.
Age: 17.
From: Reading, Berks.
Best Thing About Therapy?: “They’ve just got great songs.”

Related Interviews