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Fantastic Opportunities!

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Started by mrs h in Chit-Chat

I wish I could do this, but I have to pay the mortgage :(

Anyway - This looks like a great way to spend a few weeks :)

If anyone can find me the perfect job, please post it here, ta! :)

Posted on Thu, 7 June 2007 at 17:57

You’re viewing replies 1–30 of 49 by 11 people

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#1

mrs h wrote:

This might be a fantastic opportunity, but I’m still giggling at the bit at the bottom -

‘Asthmatics and Japanese people needed’

:D

edit: whoops *blushes* Opportunity

Posted on Thu, 7 June 2007 at 18:20

#2

Ci? wrote:

it’s not that fantastic but look at the name of the contact person http://www.jobs.ac.uk/jobfiles/LR627.html

Posted on Thu, 7 June 2007 at 20:41

#3

Fordonian wrote:

Ow!!! I’m in pain from laughing now!

:D

Posted on Thu, 7 June 2007 at 20:48

#4

Auto_Surgery (Mad Axe Man) wrote:

I used to work with a Girl, I swear to God her name was Sally Slack!

:D

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 08:34

#5

Cuchulain wrote:

mrs h wrote:

If anyone can find me the perfect job, please post it here, ta! :)

Thinking of it , I could do with a Personal Assistant.

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 08:57

#6

mrs h wrote:

Ci? wrote:

it’s not that fantastic but look at the name of the contact person http://www.jobs.ac.uk/jobfiles/LR627.html

LOL :D That’s brilliant! And you said you were thinking of changing your name - so some useful inspiration for you there :D ;)

@ Cuchulain - Are you able to provide a fantastic salary + benefits? Ideally I would like to earn “£££!”. I’m a bit rubbish but I have a heart of gold :)

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 12:09

#7

Igor Belanov wrote:

Honestly, you’ve no financial acumen.

Why don’t you sell your heart, then you’ll never need to work again?

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 12:39

#8

mrs h wrote:

Are you offering to buy it? It’s been a bit battered over the years, and it’s probably a bit clogged up with tar and fat, but you can have a discount :)

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 12:44

#9

Igor Belanov wrote:

You just claimed it was gold!

I don’t want any tar. It’s not as though I’ve got a driveway to lay or anything.

But when you say a bit battered, do you mean covered in a mixture of eggs, flour and milk and then deep-fried? If you throw a portion of chips in, you’ve got a deal.

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 12:59

#10

Dennis wrote:

mrs h wrote:

LOL :D That’s brilliant! And you said you were thinking of changing your name - so some useful inspiration for you there :D ;)

@ Cuchulain - Are you able to provide a fantastic salary + benefits? Ideally I would like to earn “£££!”. I’m a bit rubbish but I have a heart of gold :)

If you are still looking for a job, I can provide a fantastic celery.

..if that helps…?

erm…

*shuts back up again*

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:01

#11

mrs h wrote:

Hmmm. So go to Ireland and work as a PA. Sell my heart or accept Dennis’ celery. It’s not an easy decision :(

@Igor - It is gold. It’s just a bit grubby and uncared for …

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:18

#12

Dennis wrote:

I mean…it takes more calories to eat it than it even contains..?!

Think of the health benefits!

And.. and… and… erm, I will throw a courgette at you.

I mean, I will through IN a courgette - or two even - for you into the deal, just to make it that extra bit enticing.

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:21

#13

mrs h wrote:

Well I am rather partial to vegetables, but the job spec isn’t very clear … would I have to do anything, or do i just get free vegetables for life? If it’s the latter then I will definitely accept your offer, and will devote the rest of the day to finding someone to provide me with free carbohydrates :)

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:24

#14

Cuchulain wrote:

mrs h wrote:

@ Cuchulain - Are you able to provide a fantastic salary + benefits? Ideally I would like to earn “£££!”. I’m a bit rubbish but I have a heart of gold :)

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition. But hey , working with the Cuchster…

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys here wear earrings ( Cuch included )

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend as Cuch will be out drinking.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around. Prob same as what you do now ?

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be currently childless (and remain that way). You should be okay , right ?

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into Cuch’s perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Cuchulain communicates, you listen, figure out what he wants and do it.

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:31

#15

Dennis wrote:

Basically the job entails, in a manner of speaking, by way of day-to-day business, in as much as what you would actually be doing, one can best encapsulate the vast bulk of your workload in such a way as to say you would be, certainly as we like to call it here at Dennis Inc;
growing your own celery and courgettes.

We would of course provide you with your own tools, except for any gardening implements, and we provide the actual work station, though you will be expected to use your own initiative in sourcing soil to plant in and harvest from.
And you will have full financial independance in terms of rent on land/ upkeep of tools/ funding your wages etc.

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:35

#16

mrs h wrote:

edit @Cuch - lol :D Excellent! I see where I have been going wrong now :( What is that you are supposed to actually do?

Anyway, all that definitely places the free vegetables in the lead :) At least until I have had a chance to read Dennis’ post :S

edit: Bugger. Would it be based in the Midlands or could I stay in my own garden? *eyes Dennis’ suspiciously*

And would you expect to take any of my vegetables back? :mad:

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 13:37

#17

mrs h wrote:

:eek:

Ok, it’s not a job - but I found it whilst job hunting …
classified

Check out it’s wardrobe!!

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:06

#18

Misanthropologist (d) wrote:

It may not be a job, but it IS a fantastic opportunity.
*tries to sell Dan, plus wardrobe*

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:34

#19

mrs h wrote:

*looks at Dan*

*looks at wardrobe*

I think it would be better to put it all in a binbag and leave it outside. I’m sure Oxfam or Help The Aged will collect it :)

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:39

#20

Misanthropologist (d) wrote:

I already tried that. Still, third time’s the charm…

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:40

#21

mrs h wrote:

Try the RSPCA. You might get more sympathy for things with a pulse …

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:41

#22

mrs h wrote:

Or you could update his wardrobe and put him on ebay :)

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:41

#23

Misanthropologist (d) wrote:

Again: I’ve already tried that. Why do you think his middle name is ‘Relisted Item’?

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:44

#24

mrs h wrote:

I misread it, sorry. I thought it said ‘resisted’.

Oh well. Wrap him up and give him to Igor - it’s his birthday in a few weeks and he usually only gets pictures of Yorkshire Terriers in buckets…

Posted on Fri, 8 June 2007 at 19:53

#25

mrs h wrote:

Any WoMbles with rhythm out there? This could be a genuine fantastic opportunity for someone:

Hello All

STOMP creators Luke Cresswell and Steve McNicholas are looking for drummers, dancers or anyone who has ever beaten out a rhythm with their fingers on a desk or idly hit a saucepan with a wooden spoon. They are looking for male and female performers with a sense of rhythm and a sense of humour. No specific experience necessary, just a willingness to go for it.

Auditions will be held in the UK in the following cities on the following dates:

Leeds – 9th July;
Manchester – 10th July;
Birmingham – 11th July
Brighton – 23rd July.

Registration by email only before 6th July 2007 to auditions @ stomp.co.uk providing the following details: where you would like to audition, name, contact address and telephone number

Any call backs will take place in Brighton on the 24th, 25th ad 26th July

STOMP is a unique combination of percussion, movement and visual comedy. Since its creation, by Luke Cresswell and Steve McNicholas, in the summer of 1991 it has played to over eight million people in 38 countries worldwide. It consistently achieves sell-out shows in all territories as diverse as Russia, Japan, Brazil, Venezuela, Germany and South Africa. There are currently 5 companies performing throughout the world.

Please bring heavy boots, clothes suitable for movement, a CV and passport photograph.

We will be unable to audition anyone who has not pre – registered

Posted on Sat, 23 June 2007 at 18:27

#26

Fordonian wrote:

mrs h wrote:

:eek:

Ok, it’s not a job - but I found it whilst job hunting …
classified

Check out it’s wardrobe!!

Tell me this isn’t real. The fucking cruel cunt.

Posted on Sun, 24 June 2007 at 17:36

#27

mrs h wrote:

I wish I could, but I’m afraid it is. :(

Posted on Sun, 24 June 2007 at 19:59

#28

mrs h wrote:

I can’t believe that not ONE WoMble has declared their intention to audition for Stomp!

So I shall do it myself :o

Posted on Tue, 26 June 2007 at 09:40

#29

hoochalobster (Sarah) Super Moderator wrote:

You can’t with your sense of rhythm - you don’t even like Jump Around by HoP, weirdy :p

Have you packed Span off to Brighton yet?

Posted on Tue, 26 June 2007 at 09:58

#30

mrs h wrote:

Why do you have to talk about that f**king song? :mad: Now it will stay in my head until I sing the whole of Jesus Christ Superstar 4 times :(

She won’t go :( She’s too ‘committed to the band’. Although she said she would audition if i did. I was trying to call her bluff when you came along and ruined everything :mad:

Posted on Tue, 26 June 2007 at 10:06

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