What would happen if Star Wars was set in Belfast?
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he’d only be about 5ft tall, from Peters Hill, and called Janty. He’d have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink, and invariably sport a Rangers top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as ‘Big man’ or ‘Big Mannnnn’ by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as ‘B.O. Wanky-Nobby - leeeeek’.
Darth Vader would be referred to as “Oul bellend nut - leek” or in moments of stress “That Chrome Dome Bastard, leek”.
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him.He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because ofthe high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a
speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3,500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from Bellaghy or Cullyhanna said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a “pansie wee fuckwit from Knack-nagoneyy, leek”.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have an Irish News “I Love Antrim” sticker in the back window and a tri-colour bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it’s hard to run very fast when you’re 16, up the duff and wearing 5 inch heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps, and you’ve been a heavy smoker since you were six.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be:-
(1) Alter its orbit so it passed through the Shankill and tell the locals it was full of Taigs.
(2) Leave it unattended in turf Lodge.
Translated lines from the film:-
Han Solo:
“I’ve got a real bad feeling about this.”
“I am fuckkkin kackin my beggs, leek.”
“Bring ‘em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking
around.”
“Right, fuck this ferra game of soldiers, I’m gonna kack yer
balleeks in,the fukkin lattaya.”
“There’s no mystical energy field controls my destiny.”
“The Force?!! Force my balleeeeks, more leek it leek. Here’s me,
wha?”
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good
blaster at your side, kid.”
“See yer God squad? I’ll fukkin god squad you leek, ya wanker.
Get yerself a sawn-aff - non traceable leek.”
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
“The Force is strong in this one.”
“You quit yer fukkin about, ya wee cuntye!”
Princess Leia:
“You’re a little short for a Storm-trooper aren’t you?”
“Hi shortarse, you’re as big as my Billys dick, here’s me, wha??.”
“This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that
blockade.”
“Where did you nick THIS pile of shite Mickey. We’re fucked by the
Rukk,we are, leek”
Admiral Motti:
“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader.”
“You think you’re that hard, Vader. My da’s bigger than your da,
ya wanker ye, leek”
Luke to the Emperor:
“Your overconfidence is your weakness.”
“Cocky wee cunt, aren’t you?”
Obi Wan:
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force.”
“Fuck me, What the fukk was that, leek???”
Posted on Sun, 8 June 2003 at 21:32
