Bad Joke Thread
Started by Kyle Bovine (K B) in Chit-Chat on Thu, 13 January 2005 at 14:20
Divers (Simon) wrote:
Nelson: Order the signal Hardy!
>>
>>Hardy: Aye! Aye! Sir!
>>
>>Nelson: Hold on that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer,
>>what’s
>>the meaning of this?
>>
>>Hardy: Sorry sir.
>>
>>Nelson: (reading aloud) England expects every person to do his duty,
>>regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
>>or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
>>
>>Hardy: Admiralty policy I’m afraid Sir.
>>We are an equal opportunities employer now and we have had the devil’s
>>own job getting ‘England’ past the censors lest it be considered
>>racist.
>>
>>Nelson: Gadzooks Hardy - hand me my pipe and tobacco.
>>
>>Hardy: Sorry sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
>>working environments.
>>
>>Nelson: In that - case break open the rum ration and let us splice the
>>mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
>>
>>Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished Admiral.
>>It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.
>>
>>Nelson: Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full
>>speed ahead then.
>>
>>Hardy: I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this
>>stretch of water.
>>
>>Nelson: Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
>>history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s
>>nest please.
>>
>>Hardy: That won’t be possible Sir.
>>
>>Nelson: What?
>>
>>Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, Sir.
>>No harness and they say the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They
>>won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.
>>
>>Nelson: Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.
>>
>>Hardy: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle
>>Admiral.
>>
>>Nelson: Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd.
>>
>>Hardy: Health and Safety again sir.
>>We have to provide a barrier free environment for the
>>differently-abled.
>>
>>Nelson: Differently-abled?
>>I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to hear mention of the
>>word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the Disability
>>Card.
>>
>>Hardy: Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
>>the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
>>
>>Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons.
>>
>>Hardy: A couple of problems there too sir.
>>Health and Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats
>>and they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt, haven’t you
>>seen the adverts?
>>
>>Nelson: I’ve never heard such infamy.
>>Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the
>>enemy.
>>
>>Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.
>>
>>Nelson: What? This is mutiny.
>>
>>Hardy: It’s not that sir.
>>It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they
>>actually kill anyone.
>>There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like
>>hawks.
>>
>>Nelson: Then how are we to sink the French or the Spanish?
>>
>>Hardy: Actually sir we’re not.
>>
>>Nelson: We’re not?
>>
>>Hardy: No Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
>>now. In fact, according to the Fisheries policy, we shouldn’t even be
>>in this stretch
>> of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
>>
>>Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?
>>
>>Hardy: Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
>>age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules and it could save
>>your life.
>>
>>Nelson: Don’t tell me, Health and Safety.
>>Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
>>
>>Hardy: As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and
>>there is a ban on corporal punishment.
>>
>>Nelson: What about sodomy?
>>
>>Hardy: I believe that is now legal sir.
>>
>>Nelson: In that case - Kiss me Hardy.
Posted on Thu, 16 March 2006 at 20:51
Divers (Simon) wrote:
This may have been posted before.
After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo,
> > (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
> > still standing on the kerb.
> > “Excuse me, Your Holiness”, says the driver, “Would you please take
> > your seat so we can leave?”
> > “Well to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me
> > drive at the Vatican, and I would really like to drive today”.
> > “I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that, I’d lose my job! What if
> > something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he had not
> > gone to work that morning.
> > “There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
> > Reluctantly the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
> > behind the wheel.
> > The driver quickly regrets his decision when after exiting the
> > airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
> > “Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but
> > the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
> > “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my licence”, moans the driver.
> > The Pope pulls over & rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
> > but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle &
> > gets on his radio.
> > “I need to talk to the Chief”, he says to the dispatcher. The Chief
> > gets on the radio & the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going
> > at 105mph.
> > “So bust him” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that,
> > he’s really important”, says the cop. The Chief exclaimed, “All the
> > more reason!!!”
> > “No I mean really important” said the cop. The Chief then asked,
> > “Who you got there, the Mayor?”
> > Cop: “Bigger”
> > Chief: “Governor?”
> > Cop: “Bigger”
> >
> > “Well” said the Chief. “Who is it?”
> > Cop: “I think it’s God !”
> > Chief: “What makes you think that?”
> >
> > Cop: “He’s got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!!!
Posted on Thu, 16 March 2006 at 20:59
Pat wrote:
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went ‘bang, bang’. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?”
The 80-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Posted on Sat, 18 March 2006 at 12:46
Divers (Simon) wrote:
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.”
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, “Dam!”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t
have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other
says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he
said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal.”
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can
prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him… (Oh, man, this is so
bad, it’s good)…A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh…No pun in ten did.
Posted on Sat, 18 March 2006 at 19:36
Divers (Simon) wrote:
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and
She replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, ” What is it? ”
The husband said “She also stole a can of peas.”
Posted on Sat, 18 March 2006 at 19:38
Taunty Dan wrote:
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he’ll have som, fun, so he says to the Welshman
“Can I talk to your dog?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid git”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?
Dog: “Doin’ alright”
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play”
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either. I think”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements”
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: (In a panic) “The sheep’s a liar”
Posted on Mon, 20 March 2006 at 13:37
Pat wrote:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Posted on Fri, 24 March 2006 at 13:28
Tubthumper (Scott) wrote:
My dad told me this joke this evening, in front of my mum, who as you will see when I tell the joke, was not impressed.
What’s the only animal in the world to have a cunt on it’s back?
A police horse.
:p
Posted on Fri, 24 March 2006 at 20:12
Lola* wrote:
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She says, “You’ve got to make love to me — this very moment.”
He thinks, ‘This is my lucky day,’ and gives it his all on the kitchen table.
He says afterwards, “What was that all about?”
She says, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 12:43
Lola* wrote:
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!!” she said in a loud whisper, “The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.”
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 12:44
Lola* wrote:
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 12:45
Lola* wrote:
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 12:45
Lola* wrote:
> There’s a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and an English guy
> driving in the opposite direction.In the middle of the night
> without any
> other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both
> cars go flying
> off in different directions.The Irish fella manages to climb
> out of his
> car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and
> says,”Jasus, I
> am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Englishman
> scrambles out of
> his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I
> can’t
> believe I survived this wreck!” The Englishman walksover to the
> Irishman
> and says,
> “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put
> away our
> petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals”.
> The
> Irishman thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re
> absolutely right!
> We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived the
> wreck” So,
> the Irishman pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened
> bottle of Paddy
> Powers Irish Whiskey. He says to the English fella, “I think
> this is
> another sign from God that we toast to our new found
> understanding and
> friendship”. The Englishman says, “You’re damn right!” and he
> grabs the
> bottle and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey. After putting
> away
> nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the
> Irish fella
> and says, “Your turn!” The Irish fella twists the cap back on
> the bottle
> and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up”.
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 12:47
Lola* wrote:
Title: this isn;t exactly a joke but…
this isn;t a joke but…
RESPECT to Samuel L. Jackson.
The screen legend was recently interviewed by Kate Thornton on British T.V. about working with Colin Farrell in S.W.A.T. when the following
conversation took place:
Kate: What’s it like working with Colin, ‘cos he is
just so hot in the U.K. right now.
Samuel: He’s pretty hot in the U.S. too
Kate: Yea! but he’s one of our own!
Samuel: Isn’t he from Ireland
Kate: Yeah, but we claim him ‘cos Ireland is beside us.
Samuel: You see that’s your problem right there. You
British keep claiming people that don’t belong to you. We had
that problem in America too - it was called slavery.
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 13:01
zipless wrote:
Title: These are sooo bad, they’re good!
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don’t have balls to scratch
Posted on Sun, 2 April 2006 at 13:11
Pat wrote:
An extremely ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. The man at the counter asks, “Are they twins?” The woman says, “No, he’s nine and she’s seven.” Then she says, “Why? Do you think they look alike?” “No,” he replies. “I just can’t believe you got laid twice!”
Posted on Fri, 7 April 2006 at 09:35
Lola* wrote:
Coca Cola decided that they’d do something nice for the poor starving Ethernopians…not wanting to give money they decided the poor starving folk of a small random village might appreciate some coke. so they shipped off 50,000 bottles of coke, a few bottle openers and 50,000 straws..
…about 3 weeks later they received a letter from the poor thirsty Ethernopians expressing their gratitude for the kind gift…the letter simply read…
“Thanks for the Coke and the Leg-warmers”
Posted on Tue, 25 April 2006 at 11:04
Divers (Simon) wrote:
A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: Can we have sex ?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.”
She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says
“I can tell you how to get to have sex with her !”
“Yeah ?”, says the hippy.
“Yeah”, say the bus
driver. “She goes to the cemetery every
Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress
up in
a robewith a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and popup in
the
cemetery claiming to be God”
The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face,”You must have sex with me”
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself
to
@nal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
finishes,
he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
“Ha-ha!,” he cries. “I am the hippy!”
“Ha-ha!,” cries the nun. “I am the bus driver “
Posted on Tue, 25 April 2006 at 13:48
Lola* wrote:
this is probably already here but anyway…
Italian says “When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend,I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesShe floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy
The Frenchman replies “Zat is nothing, when Ah
‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick ze solesof her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”
The Irishman says “Dat’s nottin’When Oi’ve finished
shaggin’ me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d’window and wipe me knob on da curtain She hits da fockin’ roof”
Posted on Tue, 25 April 2006 at 14:20
Lola* wrote:
A woman is driving along, and is pulled over by a traffic cop.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver’s license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma’am, that I’m confused; the officer told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying b**tard told you I was speeding, too…
Posted on Tue, 25 April 2006 at 14:46
Pat wrote:
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you sir?”
“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr” the man replies.
The cop asks “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key” the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s ‘privates’ hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out “I’ll be damned ——- My girlfriend’s gone, too!”
Posted on Fri, 28 April 2006 at 18:07
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