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best man speeches

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Started by not that kind of guy (Richard) in Chit-Chat

help me. this saturday i have to do a best man speech at my mates wedding. seeing as i’m terrified of public speaking and also have no good gags to use, i’m getting a bit worried about it. has anyone got any tips or advice for me…? no matter how offensive?

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:17

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#1

Gav wrote:

Say the usual crap

“…and if they come back from the honeymoon and they haven’t got a tan we will all know what they have been doing… skiing!”

You can get books with sort of examples and standard jokes - When my cousin got married a friend of mine was best man and he pulled it off quite well - I was expecting him to fuck it up big style.

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:32

#2

msd wrote:

Don’t get too drunk! And don’t use Gav’s jokes!

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:34

#3

Gav wrote:

hahaha… fuck off!

anyway - you’ve left it late to start worrying…

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:36

#4

hoochalobster (Sarah) Super Moderator wrote:

http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

I’m sure you could make a whole speech from here :)

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:44

#5

msd wrote:

I’d fucking love to write a best man speech, but I can’t see it happening - my best mate is having his fucking brother as his best man! What’s that all about?!

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:46

#6

not that kind of guy (Richard) wrote:

it’s actually more the whole having to stand up infront of 100 or so people and talk to them all that’s worrying me more than the content of the speech. i’ve got loads of embarassing stories that i can use to take the piss out of him but i can just see myself collapsing on the floor in a nervous fit and having to be carried off to the morgue. or something. (slightly melodramatic maybe). but you get the idea.

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:56

#7

msd wrote:

Dunno man. Practice and try and do it in front of some people in the pub a few times beforehand. Have some cocaine maybe?!

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:58

#8

hoochalobster (Sarah) Super Moderator wrote:

Aren’t you supposed to imagine them all naked? I can’t see why that would help though, a hundred naked people would probably freak me out.

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 19:58

#9

Ronald wrote:

Rude??ok

“I..would..like..to..sing..you..people..a..song..about
the..future..love..boat..of..my..friend..and..his..wife-to-be…then..start..
singing”This..ship..is..sinking”

Rude.enough?

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 20:12

#10

Gav wrote:

Ronald wrote:

Rude.enough?

Haha - that would go down well i’m sure!

Just get really, really drunk and insult everyone :D

Posted on Mon, 24 October 2005 at 22:33

#11

Ronald wrote:

Instead..of..a..best..man..that..would..make..you:

TheWorstMan..I..guess:eek:

Posted on Tue, 25 October 2005 at 09:22

#12

Simon (Simon) wrote:

don’t you start off with

“(add wifes name here) is a wonderful woman, well she was when she slept with me…” then carry on with more bad jokes and embarrasing storys that the parents don’t know. If you can finish and the reception is looking at you in shock then you have done well.

Posted on Tue, 25 October 2005 at 10:14

#13

Squall wrote:

Say

” One of you will undoubtedly be unfaithful, my moneys on

the groom - and the waitress i saw him chatting up earlier ”

Or

” You are made for each other - you’re both hideous and

obnoxious. “

Posted on Tue, 25 October 2005 at 12:06

#14

not that kind of guy (Richard) wrote:

aaah shit, and my mates fiance is a fucking whore. she was all over another friend tonight. the wedding on saturday is going to be a nightmare. judging by the row they had tonight i’m doubtful (hopeful?) that it won’t happen. but it probably will. actually, being the selfish bastard that i am, it’d better fucking work as i’ve come up with the best speech ever. but it really look’s like it went all tit’s up tonight.

Posted on Thu, 27 October 2005 at 23:56

#15

Gav wrote:

please tell me you are going to include the bit about her whorish behaviour in your speech? where is this wedding anyway, might get out and about this weekend, I like wedding cake! :D

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 06:20

#16

msd wrote:

Yeah, can I come as well? Me and Gav just randomly turning up at a wedding would be ace… :)

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 09:12

#17

Gav wrote:

can you imagine the trouble we could get into? :D

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 09:19

#18

msd wrote:

Exactly :)

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 09:21

#19

msd wrote:

not_that_kind_of_guy wrote:

she was all over another friend tonight. the wedding on saturday is going to be a nightmare. judging by the row they had tonight i’m doubtful (hopeful?) that it won’t happen. but it probably will.

Arguing two days before a wedding?! Hardly the most promising of signs for the future! :)

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 10:43

#20

Bad Karma wrote:

not_that_kind_of_guy wrote:

aaah shit, and my mates fiance is a fucking whore. she was all over another friend tonight.

It might be your turn next…

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 18:44

#21

realityfuck (Jar lath) wrote:

I had to give a best man speech recently. Went a lot better than I expected. I used this site to help me prepare something;

http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/examples/index.asp

In the end I didn’t actually use any of the examples etc.. but it got me writing. Got my ‘creative juices’ flowing as they say.

Posted on Fri, 28 October 2005 at 21:31

#22

Ronald wrote:

“Oh..and..to..my..friend:She..is..not..only..a..Newly-Wed..ending..with..a.
D,..but..also..wit..a.T:D

Posted on Sat, 29 October 2005 at 00:01

#23

msd wrote:

Tell all then, ntkog!

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 11:06

#24

not that kind of guy (Richard) wrote:

ah, okay. gather round children.

well, to cut a long story short it all went rather well yesterday. the bride was 15 minutes late to the service to start with which was probably the most agonising 15 minutes i’ve ever seen my mate in. but she got there eventually. the rest of the service was, well, pretty much like any other wedding really. the reception was on a boat which was a bit of a nightmare as once it moored off, you were kind of stuck on it for the next four hours. it’s not as glamorous as it sounds, it was a right old heap. i was fucking terrified before doing the speech but (quite) a few stiff drinks beforehand had loosened by tongue a bit so it wasn’t too bad. i don’t think it was the best speech that anyone has ever done but everybody laughed in the right places (and sounded sincere about it too) and my mate had a few embarassing stories relayed to his family which i’m sure he’d have rather kept secret. so mission accomplished there really. i’m fucking glad it’s over with now, the thought of doing it had been stressing me out for weeks. unfortunately the tradition of the best man getting laid didn’t work out but i got to see loads of people from uni that i’d kind of lost contact with. so to see them again was good.

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 11:19

#25

msd wrote:

Hurrah! Congratulations. And there I was expecting some kind of hilarious catastrophe of Frank Spencer proportions… :p

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 11:22

#26

not that kind of guy (Richard) wrote:

mr self destruct wrote:

Hurrah! Congratulations. And there I was expecting some kind of hilarious catastrophe of Frank Spencer proportions… :p

thanks man. i think everyone (including myself) was expecting some kind of disaster aswell. :)

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 11:25

#27

msd wrote:

Heh heh. After this success who know the ends of your comedic abilities? You’ll be performing at the Comedy Store before you know it… :D

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 11:50

#28

Bad Karma wrote:

So how long do you give them until they get divorced?

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 12:25

#29

g (Does everything start with destruction?) wrote:

Bad Karma wrote:

So how long do you give them until they get divorced?

lol

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 12:31

#30

not that kind of guy (Richard) wrote:

Bad Karma wrote:

So how long do you give them until they get divorced?

nah, my mates too weak to bother with a divorce. he’ll either spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage or be bumped off by a hitman for an insurance claim. god i’m nice aren’t i? :p

Posted on Sun, 30 October 2005 at 14:48

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