#541
Lenny wrote:
Can’t remember if this was already posted:
Whats the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of babies?
You can’t empty the truck full of sand with a pitchfork
Posted on Sat, 29 April 2006 at 19:07
#542
Hanne wrote:
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one.
2 men pass each other in a cemetary. “Morning” says one, the other replies “No, just walking the dog”.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts “Get out! You’re bard.”
Posted on Sat, 29 April 2006 at 19:16
#543
Divers (Simon) wrote:
Title: now this one does deserve to be in this thread
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
“Is Fred home?” he asked the woman who answered the door.
“Sorry,” the woman replied. “Fred’s gone for cotton.”
The next day the collector tried again. “Is Fred here today?”
“No, sir,” she said, “I’m afraid Fred has gone for cotton.”
When he returned the third day he humphed, “I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?” “No,” the woman answered solemnly,
“Fred died yesterday.”
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred’s tombstone, with this inscription:
“Gone, But Not for Cotton.”
Posted on Sat, 29 April 2006 at 19:30
#544
Hanne wrote:
What’s yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey sick.
Posted on Sun, 30 April 2006 at 00:44
#545
Pat wrote:
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to
blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra
pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, “What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”
Posted on Fri, 5 May 2006 at 12:41
#546
Lola* wrote:
Title: no offence…
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps,
were an English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady,
and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright
red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed
and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks:
That Paddy (Irish) bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she
tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Irish guy thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English
cunt
again…
Posted on Tue, 9 May 2006 at 19:41
#547
Misanthropologist (d) wrote:
Posted on Wed, 10 May 2006 at 09:30
#548
Pat wrote:
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”
Posted on Fri, 12 May 2006 at 06:51
#549
Taunty Dan wrote:
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, “Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said,
“I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’…So she socked me a good one.” The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’ But I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life you fat evil slag’.”
Posted on Fri, 12 May 2006 at 10:19
#550
Taunty Dan wrote:
THE TELEPHONE RINGS
“Hello?”
“Hi, honey, this is Daddy… Is your Mummy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!” “Oh Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!” “Uh, Okay, then . here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car’s just pulled up outside the house.” “Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.” “And what happened?” he asks. “Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she’s all dead.” “Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?” “He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool . but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s all real dead too.”
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?”
Posted on Fri, 12 May 2006 at 10:22
#551
Divers (Simon) wrote:
Title: not my best
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well, sister,
thislooks pretty grim.”
I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can
survive more than a day or two.” I agree”, says the Father,
“Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you
do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any
harm.”
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister,
would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for
several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling
he was sporting a huge erection.
Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can produce life.”“Is that true father?”
“Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father that’s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let’s get
out of here.”
Posted on Wed, 17 May 2006 at 12:50
#552
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Did you see that shoplifter?
He was found under Tesco! :D
It’s a bad joke, but all I could think of :(
Posted on Wed, 17 May 2006 at 13:11
#553
Misanthropologist (d) wrote:
Those are two of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard some of Hooch’s…
Posted on Wed, 17 May 2006 at 14:02
#554
Divers (Simon) wrote:
come on then chuckles you do better!
Posted on Wed, 17 May 2006 at 14:24
#555
Misanthropologist (d) wrote:
Posted on Wed, 17 May 2006 at 17:43
#556
Taunty Dan wrote:
Divers wrote:
come on then chuckles you do better!
:eek:
That name rings a bell… ;)
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 09:55
#557
Lola* wrote:
A South African loses his leg in a gold mine accident…
“I am f*cked now” he said. ” Who’d want one legged gold digger?”…
“Me” said Paul McCartney
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 10:48
#558
Divers (Simon) wrote:
cool didn’t take long for jokes about hoppy to come up:D
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:14
#559
Lola* wrote:
but it’s true, she really is a gold digging attention seeking cow
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:15
#560
Dennis wrote:
Not strictly true…if she was a cow she’d still have three legs left.
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:21
#561
Divers (Simon) wrote:
yeah but paul mcartney is a selfish arrogant fuckwit..i think they deserve eachother!
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:22
#562
Lola* wrote:
yeah but i don’t think she deserves all of his money no matter how much of a prat he is…and did you see the documentery on her? psycho!!
anyway back to bad jokes…do you have any??
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:25
#563
Divers (Simon) wrote:
this one is a very old one and quite tame, but someone sent me it today
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote ‘The Hokey Cokey’ died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started…
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:30
#564
hoochalobster (Sarah) Super Moderator wrote:
Dennis wrote:
Not strictly true…if she was a cow she’d still have three legs left.
:D I think this is the most I have ever laughed in this thread…
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 11:57
#565
deadsetgav wrote:
To be fair, thats not really saying much, is it?
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 12:00
#566
hoochalobster (Sarah) Super Moderator wrote:
I know, it’s a tragedy. Or is that travesty?
Posted on Thu, 18 May 2006 at 12:11
#567
Pat wrote:
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back”
“Have a good day, Sir,” said the Trooper
Posted on Fri, 19 May 2006 at 13:02
#568
Philth wrote:
This might have been posted before, but;
What’s got three legs and can be found on a farm?
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills
Heather Mills is hoping to reap half of Paul’s millions in their divorce. His lawyers say she doesn’t have a leg to stand on…
Posted on Fri, 19 May 2006 at 16:59
#569
Lola* wrote:
Title: Geek Jokes
-There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary and those who don’t.
-Why did the programmer always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
-What do you get when you cross a lambda phage with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can’t cross a vector with a scaler (scalar).
-What do you get when you cross and elephant and a grape?
Elephant*grape*sin(theta)
Posted on Sun, 21 May 2006 at 12:26
#570
Misanthropologist (d) wrote:
…
I only got the first one…
Posted on Sun, 21 May 2006 at 13:20
