Bad Joke Thread
Started by Kyle Bovine (K B) in Chit-Chat on Thu, 13 January 2005 at 14:20
Divers (Simon) wrote:
Man says to wife ‘I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you
got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing’.
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
He said ‘try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it’s worked for
your arse’.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it’s a real shame cause he’s a really good vet.
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading ‘For sale clitoris licking frog’
She goes in and the shopkeeper say’s ‘Bonjour madame’.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I’m never reading again.
Little girl gets lost in Tesco’s, security guard asks her ‘what’s your mum like?’Little girl replies ‘Big cocks and vodka’.
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks
‘Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?’ The waitress leaned over and said… ‘Burrr gurrr king’.
Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say’s ‘I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off… ‘You better jack off, I’ve got a headache’.
Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
Paul McCartney poem-:
We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
Sorry I haven’t been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis…he won’t be shagging one of those again!
It’s important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking
5 kilometres a day when she was 60.
Today she’s 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel…
They say it’s only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy.
Doc say’s ‘that looks nasty’.
She say’s ‘Nasty?, it’s just the tip of the iceberg!
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks ‘do you have reservations?’ The bride answers ‘Yes, I won’t take it up the arse’!
Posted on Mon, 22 May 2006 at 09:37
Igor Belanov wrote:
THIS DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, MAY 2006.
(Information Release)
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England, the Department
of Transport has devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and
give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving. For
this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found
to be driving badly which includes:
Hogging the middle lane of motorways
Hogging the outside lane of motorways
Overtaking in dangerous places
Hovering within one inch of the car in front
Stopping sharply
Speeding in residential areas
Pulling out without indication
Performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets
Taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads
Not indicating
Being a peasant
These drivers will be required to display a flag, white with a red cross,
signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be
clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and
pedestrians. Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills
will be required to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their
greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general
public.
Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers
and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags
ps. When travelling abroad you may see a different flag displayed.
Posted on Tue, 23 May 2006 at 07:43
Lola* wrote:
Title: well it does say bad joke thread…(sorry anyway)
i’m going to hell for most of these…
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people
Gary Glitter and Michael Jacksons plane is going down…
Glitter: How do we decide who gets the parachutes?
Jackson: Fuck the kids.
Glitter: Have we got time?
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
Two Kerryman walk past Kilarney Police Station. Outside is a notice saying “Two Black Men wanted for rape”
One Kerryman turns to the other and says “Fuckin’ niggers get all the best jobs”
Q: whats black and sits at the top of a stairs?
A: Stephen hawking after a house fire…
A guy is having anal sex with his partner. He lubes up his cock and sticks it up, only to stop when she starts screaming “Ow! Ow! That really hurts!”
So he takes it out and lubes it up some more, then sticks it back up her arse. “OW! That’s so painful! Stop!” she cries
So he takes it out once more and puts handfuls of lube on, and all around her arse. He sticks it in for the third time. “OW! That hurts so much! That’s excruciating!”
To which he replies:
“Excruciating? That’s a big word for a six year old!”
Whats Black & Bumps into walls??
Jordans baby
Q: What’s 3 feet 6 inches tall, silver and sits in the corner taking the piss out of you?
A: A kidney diallasis machine
Posted on Wed, 24 May 2006 at 16:10
Lola* wrote:
Title: one for the Irish WoMbles
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Cork and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Cork fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Cork fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says:
“Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
Because I’m not a Cork fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: “Well, if you’re not a Cork fan, then who are you a fan of?”
“I’m a Galway fan, and proud of it,” Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why, are you a Galway fan?”
“Because my Mum and Dad are from Galway , and my mum is a Galway fan and my dad is a Galway fan, so I’m a Galway fan too!”
Well,” said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Galway fan. You don’t have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?”
“Then,” Mary smiled, “I’d be a Limerick fan.”
Posted on Thu, 25 May 2006 at 19:51
Lola* wrote:
Title: best read with an irish accent…
Paddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins!… A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine now, however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother…he’s a fecking, clueless, gobshite!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s my daughter’s name?”
“Denise,” says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved “Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother…I like Denise.”
Then she asks, “What’s the boy’s name?”
“Denephew “
Posted on Thu, 1 June 2006 at 21:24
Lola* wrote:
Paul returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Eileen
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they
made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said,
“Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love
again?” Eileen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Paul was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight
Hours of life left. He touched Eileen’s shoulder and said, “Honey?
Please?
just one more time before I die.” She agreed, then afterward she rolled
over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his
head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more
hours. He Tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only
have four hours left! Could we…?”
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Paul, I Have
to get up in the morning! You don’t.”
Posted on Thu, 1 June 2006 at 22:01
Lola* wrote:
Title: don’t know if i already posted this…but too lazy to look through 30 pages
For all the Italians out there, or those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian!
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.
Was it heaven! ? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…
“Back off!” she said, “They’re for the funeral”
Posted on Thu, 1 June 2006 at 22:03
Dennis wrote:
Journalist wants to know Paul Maccartney’s views on marriage in hte future, so he asks:
“Paul, do you think you will ever go down on one knee ever again…?”
To which Macca replies:
“To be honest, I would prefer it if you would call her Heather, if you don’t mind…”
Posted on Fri, 30 June 2006 at 10:10
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Title: Can’t remember if this has already been posted…
3 men are in an Irish bar, all of them have a stutter. A beautiful woman came up to them and started talking to them, noticing they all had a stutter, she gave them a little challenge, she said “If you can say where your from without stuttering or stammering, I’ll give you a blow job”
So first man says “D-d-d-”
Girl says “Nope, you lost”
Second man say “C-co-c-”
Girl says “No, you stuttered!”
First man says “London”
So, she gets down, sucks his cock, and as he cums he shouts “D-d-derry!!”
:D
Cx
Posted on Tue, 11 July 2006 at 09:33
Lola* wrote:
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” The Irishman says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks?
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Irishman.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and cr@p by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes 99.999999999, which is fhecking close enough!…So, when do I start?”
Posted on Sat, 15 July 2006 at 14:00
CS (Colin S) wrote:
So, a few stupid things to do:
1 - Name your dog “Dog”.
2 - Reapeat every third third word twice
3 - ONLY WRITE IN UPPER CASE (CAPS)
4 - only write in lower case (not caps)
5 - Announce when you are about to take a piss!
6 - Make everyone call you “Conquistador”
7 - Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout “I win!”.
8 - As people talk, smell their shoulders.
9 - Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is “Just better quality”
10 - Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
11 - Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
12 - Call the operator. When asked, “Can I help you?” reply, “No thanks, just browsing.”
13 - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
14 - Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
15 - On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, “are we there yet?”
16 - Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
17 - Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
18 - While going down in an elevator scream, “AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!” for no apparent reason.
19 - Annoy ppl on the elevator : Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
20 - Another annoying elevator thing: Call out, Group hug! and enforce it.
21 - 1 more annoying elevator thing! : Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
22 - In a public restroom shout : “I like chocolate, I like fudge, I’ll make some now, or I won’t budge!!!!
Cx
Posted on Sat, 15 July 2006 at 23:21
Lola* wrote:
Title: these so fit the description…
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Posted on Wed, 9 August 2006 at 21:13
Tubthumper (Scott) wrote:
Colin, no. 17 is definitely stupid, as it’ll get you arrested!
:p
Posted on Wed, 9 August 2006 at 21:16
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