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Best On-Stage Banter

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Started by Dennis in Other Bands & Artists

You know, funny things bands/ artists have said on stage - either introducing a song, or dissing a heckler or another band.

Come on, let’s have some funny stories.

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 11:51

You’re viewing replies 1–30 of 37 by 16 people

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#1

Divers (Simon) wrote:

Phil from Pantera was on form at download.

“I’ve fucked all your girlfriends… *looking confused*..well i think i have??.. unless she is disgusting or something?”

I did sound for a mates folk band once and they played a big crusty festival and he went on stage and said

“is there any hippys out there?”
*cue lots of cheering and whistles*
“well what the fuck are you all like go and have a bath and get a fucking job!”

How not to win over a crowd.. but keep me laughing for the rest of the day:)

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 12:11

#2

Dennis wrote:

:D I heard him on TV at Download with Down saying something about he wasn’t gonna play any more songs “until people stop fucking staring” or some such.

…OK well that hardly does it justice but it was funny as fuck whatever he said!

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 13:39

#3

Taunty Dan wrote:

i’ve been searching my brain but i honestly can’t think of anything! Pattons always good for a laugh though.

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 13:46

#4

Divers (Simon) wrote:

Dennis wrote:

:D I heard him on TV at Download with Down saying something about he wasn’t gonna play any more songs “until people stop fucking staring” or some such.

…OK well that hardly does it justice but it was funny as fuck whatever he said!

He stopped a song and said “quit staring at me and shit it’s putting me off… if you stare at me it means you want a fight and if so then you’ll lose!”

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 13:51

#5

Dennis wrote:

Dan, that really is your lamest post for a long time.

At least I disguisd the fact that I couldn’t think of any by starting the thread and passing the buck onto everyone else!

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 13:51

#6

Taunty Dan wrote:

sorry boss… :(

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 13:53

#7

Dennis wrote:

hey I meant it in a jokey way, not in a Dave’s-really-a-bit-of-a-cunt way, you know…?

*losing friends like they’re going out of fashion*

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 13:58

#8

buffalo-boy wrote:

After playing Die Like A Motherfucker i remember Michael saying ‘Be sure to buy that for your gran at Christmas!’
:D

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 14:03

#9

Taunty Dan wrote:

Dennis wrote:

hey I meant it in a jokey way, not in a Dave’s-really-a-bit-of-a-cunt way, you know…?

*losing friends like they’re going out of fashion*

i know, its just that upon checking the “banter-ometer” that post of mine barely registered on the scale. Rest assured i won’t let you down again sir.

Has he gone? Cunt. :p

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 14:38

#10

Theng wrote:

“Hitler had the right idea but he was an underachiever.”

Mr Hicks’ most infamous rant. Sure you’ll find it on Youtube

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 19:33

#11

ctrlaltdelete (chris) wrote:

Josh homme is pretty good.If you watch the live dvd, he rips a guy to shreds…
“Hey man turn up the lights.everyone look at this guy in the white shirt,the guy in the white long sleeve shirt.He’s throwin shit at me.We’ve tried to play here 5 times and he’s throwing shit at me.this guy is a total cocksmoker.But now its not just me and you that know you’re a cocksmoker, it’s everybody.So next time you see mr cocksmoker,say,”Hi cocksmoker,eat a bag of dicks!”(gives him the finger).Thanks for coming, you cocksmoking Fuckhole…”

Best rant ever..

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 20:51

#12

andys gibson sg (James Harris) wrote:

I don’t know if this counts but on the Fun Lovin’ Criminals dvd, Huey stops to tell some guy in the audience to stop hitting his girl, and went on how he wasn’t down with it and how that bloke totally fucked up the last song’s vibe.

Posted on Tue, 28 November 2006 at 21:19

#13

Dennis wrote:

If you ever get to hear the Consolidated album “Play More Music”, there are some great live ad-libs.

They are a bit of a left-wing, activist kind of rap group, and the live stuff was recorded in the UK.

At one point, a guy with a really strong Mancunian accent grabs the mic and goes:

“I reckon…you should shut the fuck up and play some music”

:D Even the track that he says it on is called that!

There’s another bit where one guy asks their opinion on drugs, and the main guy goes (something like this, it is from memory)

“Jobs? I believe in good jobs, jobs that are available to everyone, jobs that make people happy” cos he has misheard the question.

When he is corrected, he goes:

“Oh did you say drugs?!…oh…I believe in good drugs, drugs that are available to everyone, drugs that make people happy…” :D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 07:47

#14

Spaceball 1 wrote:

Les Claypool from Primus playing at some gig where a guy spits on him. he stops in the middle of a song and says:

“Now look here. I haven’t been playing the bass for over 15 years to have some punk spit on me from the pit. If you want your money back, I’d be more than happy to give you your money back you little inbred piece of shit. I’ve been watching one (gob) went this way, another went there, and than this last one hit me in the shoulder. (to audience) If you saw who did that, please sodomise him for me.”

More from Mr. Claypool:

An obnoxious guy in the audience keeps yelling “You suck!” at the band. All of a sudden Les answers: “Yes, I heard you the seventeenth time.” :D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 08:45

#15

buffalo-boy wrote:

ctrlaltdelete wrote:

Josh homme is pretty good.If you watch the live dvd, he rips a guy to shreds…
“Hey man turn up the lights.everyone look at this guy in the white shirt,the guy in the white long sleeve shirt.He’s throwin shit at me.We’ve tried to play here 5 times and he’s throwing shit at me.this guy is a total cocksmoker.But now its not just me and you that know you’re a cocksmoker, it’s everybody.So next time you see mr cocksmoker,say,”Hi cocksmoker,eat a bag of dicks!”(gives him the finger).Thanks for coming, you cocksmoking Fuckhole…”

Best rant ever..

I love that! Awesome! :cool:

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 09:21

#16

Egon Spengler wrote:

http://bak.spc.org/abc/live/la2-1.rm

About 3 minutes in.Terrible audio/visual quality, but hang with it.

Bill Hicks loses it again and again

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 09:47

#17

Dennis wrote:

I love the comment someone has left about that last Bill Hicks one:

“He could have been nice and just played Freebird like the guy wanted. It’s a good song. ”

:D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 10:02

#18

Spaceball 1 wrote:

“sir, please stick your cock in her mouth and shut her up.”

Bill was the best. :D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 10:13

#19

Lola* wrote:

not exactly banter but funny:
that dumb blonde from the cardigans* telling people to “stop throwing polo candies at me” in a big whiney voice…what made it funnier was that i met a guy before hand who had a few packets of polo mints that he was saving for something special…i hope it was to throw at her and not eat them cos apparently polo mints kill sperm!

(*i didn’t go to see the cardigans - the foos were playing and it was the best foos gig i was ever at cos they had just released the colour and the shape so hadn’t invented any of the sell out commercial radio pop songs yet)

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 10:43

#20

Divers (Simon) wrote:

Taunty Dan wrote:

i’ve been searching my brain but i honestly can’t think of anything! Pattons always good for a laugh though.

Well Faith No More did at a gig supporting Poison while they were watching from the side of the stage Mike addressed the crowd and said “All you girls out there are shouting for poison like they are going to want to fuck ya, well there are only oiled up boys in their dressing room and when i walked past Bret michaels was blowing the drummer”

I don’t think they supported them for much longer.

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 11:19

#21

Dennis wrote:

Ci? wrote:

not exactly banter but funny:
that dumb blonde from the cardigans* telling people to “stop throwing polo candies at me” in a big whiney voice…what made it funnier was that i met a guy before hand who had a few packets of polo mints that he was saving for something special…i hope it was to throw at her and not eat them cos apparently polo mints kill sperm!

(*i didn’t go to see the cardigans - the foos were playing and it was the best foos gig i was ever at cos they had just released the colour and the shape so hadn’t invented any of the sell out commercial radio pop songs yet)

Now, if it had been Ocean Colour Scene and instead of Polos it was housebricks, then it WOULD be cool :D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 11:46

#22

Spaceball 1 wrote:

Tool once performed in a venue which they only found out at the last minute was owned by Scientology. Maynard then bleated like a sheep at the audience between songs.

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 11:50

#23

Theng wrote:

on the Mastodon DVD Brent says the wisest thing of all when he announces their song Workhorse:
“Next song is about work. Work fucking sucks.”

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 13:10

#24

andys gibson sg (James Harris) wrote:

When I first saw T?. After someone threw a pint on Andy’s fx, he had the response of (something along the lines): “whoever threw that will see ME personally!”.

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 14:40

#25

Spaceball 1 wrote:

Patton in Germany after coming onstage for the encores: “Aah, fat Germans with beers banging on the stage. Talk about a stereotype!” note that during the entire performance he was already calling the audience Schnitzels, Schwanz and at one point Scheissekopfs. :D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 14:44

#26

Muskeg (Yes, It's me.) wrote:

Spaceball 1 wrote:

Les Claypool from Primus playing at some gig where a guy spits on him. he stops in the middle of a song and says:

“Now look here. I haven’t been playing the bass for over 15 years to have some punk spit on me from the pit. If you want your money back, I’d be more than happy to give you your money back you little inbred piece of shit. I’ve been watching one (gob) went this way, another went there, and than this last one hit me in the shoulder. (to audience) If you saw who did that, please sodomise him for me.”

More from Mr. Claypool:

An obnoxious guy in the audience keeps yelling “You suck!” at the band. All of a sudden Les answers: “Yes, I heard you the seventeenth time.” :D

Les Rocks

I like when someone throws a bottle at him so he stops playing and says ” im just trying to do my job - i dont come to mcdonalds and thow shit at you “

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 15:16

#27

Dermot (The Derm) wrote:

Fear Factory at Reading ‘01:

“HELLO LEEDS!”

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 16:41

#28

Dennis wrote:

:D

On the Boneshaker DVD, Lemmy introduces Dead Men Tell No Tales as:

“Dead Men Smell Toe-nails”

and on the latest DVD he says:

“This song is about fat bastard businessmen who are stealing your money right now…so… cheer up, eh?”

:D

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 16:55

#29

Superunknown wrote:

There are some good ones to be found in the Patton thread.

Iggy rants nicely on the Stooges’ “Heavy Liquid” album.

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 20:51

#30

Superunknown wrote:

Ci? wrote:

(*i didn’t go to see the cardigans - the foos were playing and it was the best foos gig i was ever at cos they had just released the colour and the shape so hadn’t invented any of the sell out commercial radio pop songs yet)

Too late. Now we think you’re gay! ;)

Posted on Wed, 29 November 2006 at 21:01

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