Bad Joke Thread
Started by Kyle Bovine (K B) in Chit-Chat on Thu, 13 January 2005 at 14:20
viking_pooh wrote:
heard this one many years ago but it still makes me chuckle
a young boy and his dad are out driving one day when the dad is pulled over for speeding. the policeman deals with him and then says “ill be round your house tonight to collect the fine”. after the policeman has gone the dad says “bastard”. the boys asks “dad what does bastard mean?” top chich his dad replies “oh its another word for policeman.”
when they arrive home the dad trips over the door mat and shouts “Shit”, the boy asks “what does shit mean?” and is told, “oh its another word for doormat”.
a little while later his dad is upstairs shaving when the boy hears his dad shout “bollocks”, once again the boy asks what the word means, and his dad says “bollocks is another word for chin”
the boy wandered downstairs where his mum was preparing the chicken for dinner, as shes cutting it the knife slips and cuts her so she shouts out “fucking hell”, but the boy only hears her say “Fucking” so asks her what it means and she tells him “its another word for cutting”.
at that moment the doorbell rings, the boy answers and its the police man from eariler so the boy says ” Hello you bastard, come in, dont stand in the shit. my dads upstairs shaving his hairy bollocks and my mums in the kitchen fucking a chicken”
Posted on Tue, 19 February 2008 at 12:58
The Auto Surgeon (Mark) wrote:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first checkup.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
Posted on Sun, 2 March 2008 at 12:46
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them
going to the toilet.
Bob says “I think she’s nice”
Bobs mate “well nip over and give her the patter”
Bob “the patter?”
Bobs mate “aye the patter”
Bob “I don’t know any patter, I’ve never found it easy to talk to
girls”
“For crying out loud” says Bobs Mate, “it’s easy all you have to say is
“hello” and she will say “hello” Then say “it’s a nice day isn’t it”
Then she will say “Yes it is”
Then you say ” but not half as nice as you!”
Then she will say “Oh thank you”
Then the patter will just flow”
Bobs Mate says “look there she coming back out of the toilet, go and
give it a go”
So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head
He walks up and says “Hello”
She says “Hello”
He says “It’s a nice day isn’t it?”
She says “Yes it is”
He says “but not half as nice as you”
She says “Oh thank you”
Few seconds of uneasy silence…
Then he says…
“Been for a shit then?”
Posted on Sun, 2 March 2008 at 13:34
chr1s (The T.F.M) wrote:
An old Tramp goes into a classy Bar. The barman sees him and tells him to get out and that his sort aren’t welcome. He says, “It’s ok, i’m not staying. I just wondered if you can give me a cocktail stick, then i’ll be on my way”
The barman hands him a cocktail stick, and he heads off outside.
10 Mins later, another old tramp enters the bar. “Oi!! Out!! We don’t serve your kind in here. I told your mate that, now i’m telling you the same” “I was just wondering if you can give me a cocktail stick” said the tramp. The barman hands him a cocktail stick, and the tramp leaves.
10 mins later, yet another tramp enters the bar. The barman spots him and immediately says, “I take it you want a cocktail stick too?”. “No”, replied the tramp, “can i have a straw?”
The barman hands over a straw and the tramp goes to leave. The barman shouts on him to come back. “What’s all this about? 20 mins ago, a tramp came in looking for a cocktail stick, 10 mins later another tramp wanted a cocktail stick, and now you want a straw?? Why?”
“Well”, said the tramp “Someones been sick outside, but all the chunks are gone!!!”
Posted on Mon, 3 March 2008 at 08:04
buffalo-boy wrote:
Cuchulain wrote:
Went to the zoo the other day and all they had was one dog.
It was a shitzu.
Oh mate! its first thing monday morn - i just read that and am sitting at my desk crying with laughter. it wouldn’t have been funny any other time thats made my day!
Posted on Mon, 3 March 2008 at 08:29 in reply to an earlier post
chr1s (The T.F.M) wrote:
A family of tortoises decide to go to the bottom of the garden for a picnic. They plan the journey meticulously and reckon it’ll take 2 weeks to get there.
2 weeks later, they arrive at their chosen picnic spot. Daddy tortoise starts to unpack the hamper, and realises they have forgotten to bring the butter.
Daddy Tortoise: “Tommy Tortoise, can you just nip home and bring back the butter?”
Tommy Tortoise: “No way man!!! It took us a bloody fortnight to get here. If i go back, it’s going to be a month before i see you again and there’ll be no food left”
DT: “We won’t start eating till you get back, just go and get it, and be as quick as you can”
2 Weeks later, Daddy Tortoise turns to Mummy Tortoise and says “He should be home about now, getting the butter and starting to make his way back”
Another 2 weeks later he announces “Tommy should be here any time now. I’ll start uncovering the cakes.”
2 More days pass, and still no sign of Tommy.
“Maybe he stopped for a rest on the way. We’ll give him another 2 days” Said Daddy
2 Days later, Daddy says “Right, thats enought waiting. I’m bloddy starving. Pass me 1 of those cakes”
Just as he was about to take a bite, Tommy Tortoise pops his head round from behind a rock and says, “I knew you’d start without me…I’m not going now!!!”
:D
Posted on Tue, 4 March 2008 at 11:35
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a
little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in
Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20
mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an
oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her.
That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family…
unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Posted on Thu, 6 March 2008 at 21:22
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Have you ever wondered if your mother kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?
Bet you have now!!!
Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the upcoming sequel Ghost 2
They start filming in about 5 weeks…
Why doesn’t viagra work on chavs?
Cos they only get hard when they’ve got ten mates behind them.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: “You won’t believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.”
His friend replies: “That’s great! Did you get a blowjob?”
“No, I never found her head.”
When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realised that God didn’t work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
Benazir Bhutto stood up for human rights. She stood up to oppression. She stood up to dictatorship.
But I bet the fuck she wished she never stood up to wave
Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A man walked into a pub,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be 10 pence.’
‘Ten pence?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?’
‘A pound,’ the barman replied.
‘A pound?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs With your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing To his business down here.’
I cant think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.
I’ll get my coat…
Posted on Thu, 6 March 2008 at 23:56
CS (Colin S) wrote:
A local paedophile ring has made the unprecedented step of issuing a statement after being accused of hiding Shannon Matthews for two weeks.
They said ‘Fuck off - we do have some standards you know’
—
The mother of Shannon Matthews has said that she “couldn’t stop crying” when she was reunited with her daughter.
I wouldn’t be able to stop crying either if I had such an ugly daughter
—
Why is Shannon Matthews an extraordinary child?
Not many chavs manage to stay a virgin till they’re nine.
—
Once upon a time there was a man. He proposed to a woman. She said no.
The man lived happily ever after.
—
A dog is truly a man’s best friend.
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
—
According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.
2 The beach was too sandy.
3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4 It rained on my birthday.
5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7 It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time - this should be banned.
8 We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn’t taste the same as at home.
10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
I’ll get my coat now then…
Posted on Tue, 18 March 2008 at 18:02
Alan wrote:
There was a good one in “In Bruges” which I saw the other night in the cinema;
Colin Farrell: “What’s Belgium famous for?”
Belgian girl: “Don’t know”
Colin Farrell: “Chocolates and child molesting. And they only invented chocolate to get to the kids”
I shall also get my coat…
Posted on Tue, 18 March 2008 at 18:07
The Auto Surgeon (Mark) wrote:
A bit old, but:
Apparently the Welsh mining industry is making a comeback - they found some copper in snowdonia!
Posted on Wed, 19 March 2008 at 20:26
Dennis wrote:
Heather Mills was being driven around the countryside in her limo.
Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was all right.
Is it all right?’ asked Heather.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. ‘No ma’am,
it’s dead.’
‘Well, you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!’
So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.
‘Oh my god, what happened to you?’ Heather exclaimed.
‘Well ma’am,’ explained the driver, ‘the farmer gave me this bottle of
wine, the farmer’s wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.’
‘Just what the hell did you say to them?’
‘I’m Heather Mills’ driver and I’ve just killed the cow.’
Posted on Mon, 14 April 2008 at 10:16
Dennis wrote:
Simon, I will run but I better get a special medal like last time for “coming last but it’s the taking part that counts, and you know you will always be Mommy’s ‘special’ little soldier Dave..and take that Lego out of your ear, dear, there’s a good boy”
Posted on Mon, 14 April 2008 at 10:26
Dennis wrote:
It’s not a crayon, it’s a magic space communication device that gives me super powers and makes me invisible to the baddies.
The fact that is clearly says “Crayola. Lime Green” on the side is all part of my undercover plan to defend the whole world AND the universe AND the entire country as well including Wales and Ireland and Scotland and that other one I think or is that it? I can’t remember places very well, I have my address on a piece of paper I will show you if you like my mom wrote it for me in case i have one of my episodes when I go to the sweet shop only I can’t go on my own…
*breaths out*
So there.
Posted on Mon, 14 April 2008 at 10:34
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