Wall of Mouths

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?!?”

The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

hah nice one!

A couple were sharing a bottle of wine when he said, “I bet you can’t tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time.” She thought for a few moments, then said, “Your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”

Now that’s the sort of joke that truely belongs here. :-D

‘wwwhhooooossshhh…wwhhiisssshhhhh’

Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2x3?’ and I said 6,” replied Billy.
“But that’s right!” says his dad.
“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘how much is 3x2?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!”

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Mark Saunders was in London with a loaded gun and didn’t kill anyone.

Salomon Kalou will be pleased, he’s not the only cunt in Chelsea who can’t shoot.

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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says: “You drive, I’ll man the guns.”

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I was absolutely disgusted to learn about the lack of supplies we’re sending to Burma, so far all we’re sending is bottled water?

Surely that’s a bit of a joke what with 1/3 of the country flooded, perhaps some towels might be a better choice?

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Builders…where would we be without them?

Outside

A man goes to the Doctor.
Doctor, Doctor , I’ve been unwell for a couple of days with symptoms including fatigue, nausea and occasional vomiting.
- It sounds like this ‘flu that has being going around. I can prescribe antibiotics, but I recommend you let it run its course.
It’s probably best if i do that doctor. I don’t like to take antibiotics unless its very necessary.
- Thats a very good attitude to have. Good man yourself. Call me if you don’t improve in the next 2-3 days.
Thanks doctor, I will.
- Bye now then.
Bye so.
—————————————————————-
Three elephants walk into a large bar and order three bottles of Jack Daniels.
The first elephant says, “I bet I can drink this faster than you guys,”and with that gulps down the entire bottle in six seconds flat.
The second elephant not wishing to be outdone says, ” I’ll take that bet” and immediately gulps the bottle down, this time in 5 seconds.
The third elephant sees this and asks the bar man, “Is the smoking ban affecting business much?”
“Not really, we’ve got the oul heaters outside so we’re doing alright. Things will pick up again now in a month or two,” says the barman.
“They will I suppose” says the third elephant, nodding.
———————————
Paddy Englishman , Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottishman are all working on a building site one day when the devil appears and says,” I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me have your souls.”
Paddy Englishman says “Lads are ye seeing this as well, aw man this is really freaky.”
Paddy Scottishman gets down on his knees and starts crying and praying vigourously.
Sadly the shock of the incident shocked Paddy Irishman so much he died on the spot.
“Sorry about that lads”, said the devil, “I thought ye’d be up for it.”

Jeezus!! I know its the Bad Joke Thread, but come on…:)

Despite all the investment in the recent Jubilee line extension, London transport bosses are gutted to see that Austria has a more advanced underground system.

butters wrote:

‘spoon, jar, jar, spoon’

It’s simply not possible to read that without hearing his voice. :D