#781
CS (Colin S) wrote:
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?!?”
The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
Posted on Sun, 20 April 2008 at 18:23
#782
Dennis wrote:
Posted on Sun, 20 April 2008 at 18:35
#783
Kyle Bovine (Kevin Boyle) wrote:
Posted on Sun, 20 April 2008 at 22:41
#784
tgE wrote:
havent bin on WoM for a while. this joke thread hasn’t lost it’s charm anyways!
:D
Posted on Mon, 21 April 2008 at 14:33
#785
Lola* wrote:
A couple were sharing a bottle of wine when he said, “I bet you can’t tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time.” She thought for a few moments, then said, “Your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”
Posted on Fri, 25 April 2008 at 21:57
#786
Cuchulain wrote:
An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef Fritzel’s daughter Alice.
Alice? he replied. Who the fu*k is Alice.
You mean for 24 years…I’ve been living next door to Alice ?!
Posted on Wed, 7 May 2008 at 08:22
#787
The Auto Surgeon (Mark) wrote:
Now that’s the sort of joke that truely belongs here. :-D
Posted on Wed, 7 May 2008 at 12:51
#788
Muskeg (Yes, It's me.) wrote:
I made up a joke.
I was strangling prostitutes with garden pipe…Then dad told me to stop wasting hose :D
Posted on Wed, 7 May 2008 at 12:59
#789
butters (mikey) wrote:
‘wwwhhooooossshhh…wwhhiisssshhhhh’
Posted on Wed, 7 May 2008 at 13:14
#790
Muskeg (Yes, It's me.) wrote:
Posted on Wed, 7 May 2008 at 18:11
#791
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2x3?’ and I said 6,” replied Billy.
“But that’s right!” says his dad.
“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘how much is 3x2?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!”
—
Mark Saunders was in London with a loaded gun and didn’t kill anyone.
Salomon Kalou will be pleased, he’s not the only cunt in Chelsea who can’t shoot.
—
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says: “You drive, I’ll man the guns.”
—
I was absolutely disgusted to learn about the lack of supplies we’re sending to Burma, so far all we’re sending is bottled water?
Surely that’s a bit of a joke what with 1/3 of the country flooded, perhaps some towels might be a better choice?
—
Builders…where would we be without them?
Outside
Posted on Wed, 7 May 2008 at 19:10
#792
The Auto Surgeon (Mark) wrote:
3 teddy bears in an airing cupboard - which one’s the general?
The one sat on the tank!!
——————————————————————————-
If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play Ping Pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?
A lid.
Posted on Thu, 8 May 2008 at 11:43
#793
Cuchulain wrote:
A man goes to the Doctor.
Doctor, Doctor , I’ve been unwell for a couple of days with symptoms including fatigue, nausea and occasional vomiting.
- It sounds like this ‘flu that has being going around. I can prescribe antibiotics, but I recommend you let it run its course.
It’s probably best if i do that doctor. I don’t like to take antibiotics unless its very necessary.
- Thats a very good attitude to have. Good man yourself. Call me if you don’t improve in the next 2-3 days.
Thanks doctor, I will.
- Bye now then.
Bye so.
—————————————————————-
Three elephants walk into a large bar and order three bottles of Jack Daniels.
The first elephant says, “I bet I can drink this faster than you guys,”and with that gulps down the entire bottle in six seconds flat.
The second elephant not wishing to be outdone says, ” I’ll take that bet” and immediately gulps the bottle down, this time in 5 seconds.
The third elephant sees this and asks the bar man, “Is the smoking ban affecting business much?”
“Not really, we’ve got the oul heaters outside so we’re doing alright. Things will pick up again now in a month or two,” says the barman.
“They will I suppose” says the third elephant, nodding.
———————————
Paddy Englishman , Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottishman are all working on a building site one day when the devil appears and says,” I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me have your souls.”
Paddy Englishman says “Lads are ye seeing this as well, aw man this is really freaky.”
Paddy Scottishman gets down on his knees and starts crying and praying vigourously.
Sadly the shock of the incident shocked Paddy Irishman so much he died on the spot.
“Sorry about that lads”, said the devil, “I thought ye’d be up for it.”
Posted on Thu, 8 May 2008 at 12:35
#794
butters (mikey) wrote:
A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.
—————————————————————————-
I went to the doctor. He said ‘you’ve got a very serious illness’.
I said ‘I want a second opinion’.
He said ‘all right, you’re ugly as well’.
—————————————————————————-
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
Posted on Thu, 8 May 2008 at 12:43
#795
chr1s (The T.F.M) wrote:
Jeezus!! I know its the Bad Joke Thread, but come on…:)
Posted on Fri, 9 May 2008 at 12:12
#796
butters (mikey) wrote:
theyre tommy cooper classics
‘just like that’
‘spoon, jar, jar, spoon’
Posted on Fri, 9 May 2008 at 12:28
#797
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Despite all the investment in the recent Jubilee line extension, London transport bosses are gutted to see that Austria has a more advanced underground system.
Posted on Fri, 9 May 2008 at 14:53
#798
CS (Colin S) wrote:
You know you’re a Taliban if…
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon ‘unclean.’
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You’ve often uttered the phrase, ‘I love what you’ve done with your cave.’
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
Posted on Fri, 9 May 2008 at 14:53
#799
Misanthropologist (d) wrote:
butters wrote:
It’s simply not possible to read that without hearing his voice. :D
Posted on Fri, 9 May 2008 at 17:12 in reply to an earlier post
#800
butters (mikey) wrote:
Posted on Fri, 9 May 2008 at 17:31
#801
CS (Colin S) wrote:
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope…along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Posted on Thu, 22 May 2008 at 12:50
#802
chr1s (The T.F.M) wrote:
David Murray has just announced his new plans for Ibrox. It includes hotels, casinos, leisure facilities and a new theme park called Didneyland. Attractions are said to include - Didneyland The League and Didneyland The Uefa Cup!!! :D
Posted on Wed, 25 June 2008 at 11:27
#803
The Auto Surgeon (Mark) wrote:
Buddha walks inside a Pizza Hut.
The sales assistant asks, “Can I help you sir?”
To which Buddha replies, “Make me one with everything!”
Posted on Wed, 25 June 2008 at 11:34
#804
CS (Colin S) wrote:
I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.
—
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important…
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
—
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
—
Stephen Hawkings and Christopher Reeve walk into a bar…
Oh Wait.
—
I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?
—
A woman goes to the police, to report that she was raped.
They ask her does she know the guy who did it, she replies, ‘It was a council worker.’
They ask her how she knew he was a council worker?
She replied, ‘I had to do all the work.’
—
Half of relationships end because of bad sex.
Mine however ended because of good sex…
With another Woman.
—
David Cameron’s policy of ‘hug a hoodie’ is fucking ridiculous.
In fact, why stop there?
Tickle a rapist.
Wank-off a paedophile.
I’ll get my coat…
Posted on Sun, 6 July 2008 at 15:32
#805
deadsetgav wrote:
Some of them are actually pretty good Colin… have you been eating ice lollies?
Posted on Mon, 7 July 2008 at 20:12
#806
CS (Colin S) wrote:
Well… ;)
I’m gonna be posting a joke every day til I die now :)
Eighteen year old Virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.
Carlsberg don’t do rapes…
—
The Moon has no atmosphere.
Neither does Skegness, but we don’t spend millions of pounds going there to find out.
—
I got arrested while taking my daughter shopping for her school uniform today. Apparently, Ann Summers doesn’t sell the “right kind” of school uniform.
—
My father has always said to me: “Son, you’re not a real man until you’ve made a girl gag on your cock whilst giving you head”
Which is why I haven’t washed mine for months.
Posted on Mon, 7 July 2008 at 20:28
#807
chr1s (The T.F.M) wrote:
UUUURRRGGHHHH!! COLIN!!! Thats minging!!
Funny tho :D
Posted on Tue, 8 July 2008 at 12:09
#808
CS (Colin S) wrote:
The Church Of England has voted to back women bishops.
Great. Someone to do all that dusting.
—
The wife has got three double wardrobes full of “nothing to wear”
I have a been granted a hanging space big enough for about four hangers and two drawers for my own clothes and I am the “selfish one”
—
What’s purple, hard, 18 inches long and makes women scream in the night?
Cot death.
Sorry :(
Posted on Tue, 8 July 2008 at 12:26
#809
butters (mikey) wrote:
coming from the person who yesterday said ‘i really REALLY wanna be a dad’…lovely =p
Posted on Tue, 8 July 2008 at 12:48
#810
Divers (Simon) wrote:
These are shithouse.. so i guess belong here
A murderer is about to be executed by electric chair.
“do you have any last requests, my son?” asks the prison chaplain.
“yes” he replied “can you hold my hand?”
——————————————————————————
What do Kermit the frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?
They share the same middle name.
—————————————————————————
Why do the french smell?
So that blind people can hate them aswell
Posted on Thu, 10 July 2008 at 01:13
