Wall of Mouths

-Doctor, doctor my wife has three breasts
-Ah, I shall prepare the theatre for removal of one of them
-Hell no, give me another hand!

-My wife doesn´t understand me, how about yours?
-Mine doesn´t know you.

I shall go and sit in the corner and wait to be beaten with large sticks now…

Quote (author unknown):

My wife has told me she’s recently lost the urge to masturbate. She’s just not feeling herself, lately.

Has anyone seen the tv advert fro Canesten thrush treatment? It actually says something like ‘Use Canesten to treat thrush, and you’ll soon start to feel yourself again.’

Is just me or should the paralympics be on a comedy channel instead of BBC1?

—

Following the recent media frenzy about youth crime, Gordon Brown has said he is targetting “problem families”

Me too! Last weekend I burned down two council houses.

—

Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I cant stand

—

My dentist just won ‘dentist of the year’
All he got was a little plaque.

—

I just dont get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick… but no cunt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?!

—

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, “do you sell bereavement cards?”
She said, “yes, sir.”
So I said, “could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?”

—

A plane is in flight. Suddenly a speaker goes on, and the pilot says ‘Hello ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve just reached, OH SHIT!’
The stunned passengers wait in a terrified silence. Finnaly, the speaker comes back on, and the pilot once again speaks. ‘Sorry for that disturbance, the stewardess just spilt coffee on me. You should see the front of my pants!’
A man at the end of the plane shouts ‘You should see the back of mine!’

—

If you’re bored and want to find out something amusing. Go to
http://www.imdb.com (internet movie database)

and in the search criteria type in the word wanker.

Quite fitting that this guys name comes up, the biggest wanker I can think of to be honest.

:D :D

Extra marks awarded for a swearing tortoise, and use of the “c” word.

Polish woman stows away on a ship so she can start new life in America.

3 weeks later she is found and brought before the captain.

He asks “What are you doing on my ship?”
She replies “One of your sailors is stowing me away to America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night.”

Captain says:

“Oh he’s fucking you alright! This is the Isle of Wight ferry!”

Whats the difference between a Brussell Sprout and a snotter??

You’ll never get a wean to eat a Brussell Sprout!!

I slept with one of those ‘high class’ prostitutes the other week. I’m not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.

—

I just got a Charity appeal letter from the Alzheimer’s Society.
Its the 43rd one this week.

—

So the Portugese police have finally closed the case on Madeline McCann. In a press conference today, Gerry McCann said that they would continue undeterred. He announced that there would be a reward of a million quid to anyone who could find the person responsible for his daughter’s disappearance.

200 journalists lunged forward, grabbed Kate and yelled, “found her!”

—

How many soapy tit wanks does it take to change a lightbulb?
I’ll do it for one.

—

This morning I heard there were some whale demonstrators in our local harbour so I went to have a look.

What a fucking joke! They didn’t even have one whale!

—

Opinions are like dicks, only men should have them.

—

Just saw this on the BBC website, “Call for specialist rape squads”
Where do I sign up?

—

Why did God invent STDs?

So celebrities could give their fans something that can’t be sold on eBay.

—

Remember those 15 soldiers captured for straying into Iranian waters who then sold their story?

14 men, 1 woman.

Doesn’t take a genius to work out who was reading the fucking map does it?

—

I just got skylights put in my place.
The woman upstairs is furious.

—

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said “we need to talk about our future”.

I said “yeah, it’s gonna be fucking mental - we’ll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!”

I’m now single.

Three girl friend are sitting in a cafe having a chat. One says to the other “say does your boyfriend peter enjoy getting a blowjob and if so are his balls also cold like my rob’s balls?”
Yes that is strange !!says the second girlfriend. Peters balls are cold when i am giving him head. And you trish are Mike balls also cold? The third girl blushes and say “i ve never given head to Mike. Whaaaaaat ?????????? Say the two other girls…my god girl you should otherwise he will get it somewhere else.

So all worried trish goes home to suprise Mike with some good old head bobbing.

After the weekend The girls meet again, Trish walks in with a black eye and a crusty lip.
What happend o dear o dear what happend say the two other girls.
Well ! says trish i did what you guys told me , and gave mike a nice blow, but halfway i noticed that his balls where hot.
And i said !!
Mike !!!that is strange your balls are hot!!!! , but Peter and Robs balls are cold ?

I feel bad as I’m the only poster in this thread :( but fuck it :D

I saw a Childline ad the other day that said, “Sarah’s uncle forces her to do things she’s too young to understand”.

Eh? It’s not rocket science: You just give it a few tugs and white goo comes out. Kids these days really are thick, aren’t they?

—

I was in London yesterday when I saw that Sting. I said, “Hey, you’re Sting! I’ve got all your records!”

I’d love to see his face when he gets home and realises I’ve burgled him.

—

I dumped my bulimic girlfriend the other day. I’ve never had a problem with her illness, it was just she always had to bring it up whenever we were eating.

—

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

—

I wouldn’t take the piss out of Amy Winehouse.

Why should I, her hairdresser’s already done it.

—

Nicole Cooke really deserves her gold medal and the recognition in the women’s roadrace.

Yes, a woman going all that distance to reach her destination without losing her way once.

—

I’m sick of these cops keep telling me how to drive when they are the worst drivers out there

Just look at how many signs are on the roadside saying police accident.

—

I saw an interview with the British Synchronised Swimming Team yesterday. Apparently they are hoping to pull it off.

I’m not sure what IT is, but I’m hoping to pull one off watching them.

—

Dawn French claims that those chocolate oranges are ‘Not Terry’s, They’re mine’.

Thats probably because she has fucking eaten Terry.

I’ll get my coat…

Here’s a couple of shit ones for you Colin to keep you going

Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
‘Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!’
‘I get lots of practice’ Replied the other guy. ‘My Wifes an epileptic’

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we’ll send you the video, it’s bloody hilarious…

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
Decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
Decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
And reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
And says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking,’Isn’t that obvious?’)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
Any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘For reading a book,’ she replies,
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again .
‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with Sexual assault,’ says
the Woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
Start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also
Think.

How do you know when a girl is too young…?

When you still have to make airplane noises before you put it in her mouth.

I’m sorry!!! That was one of Jimmy Carr’s NOT mine :(

I’m one of those people that likes to have a shit while I’m reading.

This is also the reason why I’m banned from Waterstones.

—

Premature ejaculation is a terrible thing. I’ve been waiting all week for the Beach Volleyball to start in the Olympics.

I didn’t even make it past the coin toss.

—

My girlfriend had spent three hours getting ready for a romantic dinner with me.

She said to me: “Now, do I look like a million dollars or what?”

I replied: “Well.. perhaps a million Zimbabwean dollars..”

Needless to say, she dumped me.

—

If you find you can keep your head whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else

—

I was three inches away from being run over by a Gillette lorry today - now that’s what you call a close shave.

—

My wife left me last night after she caught me wanking over a magazine.

I don’t understand what all the fuss is about, it was her who brought the ‘back to school range’ catalog home from shopping.

—

I have been unwell recently with the onset of Parkinson’s disease.

Should be better in a week or two, once I’ve shaken it off.

—

If God didn’t want paedophiles to exist he wouldn’t have invented candy and vans.

—

They say “marriage is an institution”.

Who the fuck wants to be put in an institution?

—

I’m entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year..

Very stiff competition though…

—

STOP RAPE!

SAY YES!

—

If I have 2 bags of dope weighing 2 kilos each in one hand, and 1 bag of cannabis weighing 3 kilos in the other, what do I get?

Arrested.

—

I don’t understand teens these days and their texting. I received one yesterday: “plz fnd hlp Im bn raped n he’s goin 2 kil me,plz cll 999”

I mean, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

—

The wife comes down stairs this morning and says, “Shut those curtains, that bloke over the road can see me naked!”

I said, “If the bloke over the road can see you naked, he will shut his curtains!”

—

Bungee jumping is like receiving head from your gran.
It feels good, so long as you don’t look down

—

I saw an advert today saying all little Dinari from Africa wants is fresh water, food for his family, and an education…I hope he doesn’t get his hopes up to soon.

Someone kill me :(

Marriage is not a word.

It’s A sentence :p

The government have published a guide for parents that will help them spot the tell- tale signs that their son is a gang member,

I could save them a lot of money here,by just asking the parents one question.

“Is your son black?”