Wall of Mouths

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Hope this isnt a repeat

A Man and his wife decide its getting late and retire to bed. Just as they get settled down in their warm comfy bed they hear banging at the front door.
“who the bloody hells this at this time of night” the man grumbles
his mrs tells him to stop whining and answer the door.
So he gets up shoves his dressing gown and his slippers on and goes and answers the door.
When he opens it there is a bloke stood there wet through shivering “excuse me mate could you give me a push?” said the stranger
“A Push?! do you know what time it is? its gone past midnight, its pitch black and bloody pissing it down, i’m sorry matey i’m going back to bed!”
and with that the grumpy man slams the door goes upstairs and jumps back into bed.
Who was it? his wife asked.
“some fella wanted me to give him a push in this weather!” her husband replied.
And you didn’t? she asked.
“are you kidding me its legging it down and blowing a gale i aint going out in this”
His wife sits up and says remember when we went to the into country on holiday last year and our car broke down in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night and that lovely farmer helped us out?”
“yes” he replied knowing what was coming next
“well don’t you think its time you did a good deed for once?”
Shame faced the husband gets out of bed and gets dressed goes downstairs and puts his boots and big coat on grumbling as he does.
He open the door and its pitch black the wind is blowing the rain into his face. he gives out a sigh and shouts out “ok mate i’ll give you a push where are you?!”
The stranger shouts back “I’m over here on your swing!”

A woman takes her lover home one day while her husband is at work. Her 9 yr old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the cupboard. A few moments later, her husband comes home, so she hides her lover in the cupboard, not realising her son is already in there.

Son: “Dark in here”
Man: “Yes it is”
Son: “I have a baseball”
Man: “Thats nice”
Son: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks”
Son: “My dads out there”
Man: “ok, how much?”
Son: “£150”
Man: “Sold”

A couple of weeks later, the same thing happens and the man and boy end up in the cupboard again

Boy: “Dark in here”
Man “Yes it is”
Boy “Want to buy a baseball glove?”
The lover, remembering the last time asks, ” how much this time?”
Boy “£350”
Man “Daylight robbery, but sold”

A few days later, the father says to the son, “Go and get your glove and ball and we’ll go play catch”
The son says “I can’t, i sold my glove and ball” The Father asks, “how much did you sell it for?” and the boy replies “£500”
The dad goes mad and says “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That’s way more than those things cost. I’m taking you to church to confess your greed”

He takes his son to church and sits him in the confession booth and closes the door.

Boy: “Dark in here”
The priest replies, “Don’t start that shit again… Your in MY cupboard now!!”

:D:D:D

Why dont dolphoins dance ?

They have poor poise :)

Tubthumper wrote:

http://www.gorillaenterprises.co.uk/upload/uploadFiles/shannon_plate.jpg

“Trisha Goddard House” :D

Ok. time for an extremely bad joke :)

What do you call a cat in a chemists ?

Puss in Boots :-/

HAT *

fucked that up :)

Hahaha :D

Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners.

Personally I prefer to use my penis.

Those Somalian Pirates must feel they’ve finally hit rock bottom, surrendering to the French…

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
‘Excuse me do I know you?’ he asks.
‘Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids’ she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says ‘Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?’
‘No’ she replies ‘I’m your son’s English teacher!’

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband ‘I must confess darling, I was a hooker!’.
He says ‘That’s all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it’.
She replies ‘Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !’.

What’s the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United ?

Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season.

Right, I’ve no idea what the fuck’s going on here. Apparently, it was half-time ‘entertainment’ at a football game in Holland?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FxEcdJETPk&feature=related

Q: How many alzheimers sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: To get to the other side.

I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about “What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!”. They were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Thats not funny… My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath”. “Sorry mate” i said “Did he drown?”. “No” he replied, “He choked on a sock!!”

What’s better than winning gold in the paralympics?

Having legs