We now take you live to the Rock ‘N’ Roll Party International Convention in downtown Lancaster:
Hello there, Ladies and Gentleman, I proudly bring you the next President of the United States! Please welcome to our stage, Mr. A. A. Product!
(crowd goes wild)
You have demanded and I have listened! My fellow Anglo-Americans and the rest of you, I am so very proudly to make announce that I will gladly accept your nomination in my bid for the “Highest” Office in the world as the Official Candidate for The Rock ‘N’ Roll Party for President! Yes, I will be your new President. I have thought long and hard on this topic and it seems the only way to get things done is to do them ourselves, so here at The Rock ‘N’ Roll Party we will endeavor to change the world whether it wants it or not.
Many of these concepts while appearing radical at first, with our esteemed forefathers in my mind, were either inspired by hallucinogenic substance abuse or wooden teeth (but not so much the wooden teeth) and YOU, my constituent little person, whom once I am elected I shall completely deny any knowledge of as I sell you and, most importantly, your children, down the river.
When elected I will promise to:
Make plastic surgery mandatory for all residents of California over 16, especially when it comes to breasts. I will also give tax benefits and free inspections to any woman who will get some big ass titties (like the funny beach ball ones Jordan’s got) and film them with the free Government subsidised Digital Camera they shall receive thanks to our good friends at DigiCorp.
Encourage and make mandatory tobacco, alcohol and firearms possession for every man, woman and child on planet earth. The sooner everyone dies in drunken brawls, shooting each other to bits or from excessive smoking (from the free Government-subsidised cigarettes we’ll be giving to school children) the better. I know there will be less people to kill in wars, but you take the good with the bad when it comes to hard decisions.
Fun, like peace, democracy and human rights, shall be forced upon everyone by any non-peaceful, non-democratic means necessary while violating as many human rights as possible. The sound bite of my administration is, “Have fun - or you will suffer”.
PMS will be punishable by death.
Every man, woman and child on the planet will, completely free of charge, have the “Brain Chip” implanted in their skulls. Not only because we care but because we will rule your every waking/sleeping moment and intend to be as many digital corporations’ lap dog as possible with you as our bait, my ferns. You will be as our fleas. Everything you care about will be on this “Brain Chip”. Internet? Pull your right earlobe. TV? Pull your left. Mobile phone? Stick your finger up your nose and you’ll be the uber-ultimate in hands free mobile technology. Thinking? Scratch your head and we’ll do it for you. Remember, it’s for your own good. You’ll be able to do all your banking, bill paying, picture taking, any everything with the “Brain Chip”. We do suggest you start wearing American football helmets everywhere you go (if you really feel the need to go anywhere at all) because the unlocking of the “Brain Chip” is a bit messier and more fatal than that with mobile phones…
Make crime legal, particularly against those with over $250,000 in the bank. They can spare the cash. (Huge roar) Also my administration anticipates, through the use of non-existent research and half-truths, that the hardened criminal element will rebel against this aspect of our new internal foreign policy by helping old ladies across the street and saving kitty cats while altar boys and Red Cross workers will be burglarising the homes of millionaires and sodomising pets.
Blow up all countries that aren’t America and really crack down on them pesky terroristies. My “esteemed opponent” George Bush has never made me feel more afraid of terrorists and their existence than since he started his War on Terrorism. The Rock ‘N’ Roll Party intends to finish that war!
Make sure homeless veterans will continue to be ignored and treated like sh*t, favoring a more traditional approach than some of our other more radical proposals.
That all items available for purchase that are a waste of money will be labelled with our new and omni-present “W.o.M.” warning (short for “Waste of Money”) sticker. (crowd hysteria) Fer example, the last two Matrix movies. “W.o.M.” The last four Metallica albums. “W.o.M.” (not to worry though, there will be a 3-song EP available for the stand out tracks from “St. Anger”). Mobile phones that intend to replace your self-esteem with material greed and put nervous system outside your body. “W.o.M.” Computers that print out documents meant to look like handwriting. “W.o.M.” NatWest. “W.o.M” McDonalds. “W.o.M” These automated ticket dispensers you need to get your ticket from to board a night bus, as they more often than not just take your money and make you miss your bus anyway, leaving you penniless at 4 am in Kings Cross, London… “W.o.M.” Congestion charge… “W.o.M” You’ll still be able to get all these items, of course, but like with cigarettes, at least you’ll feel like a complete tool for your purchases.
Rapists will be punished by slow and brutal death. Rapists who drug their victims will have their penisii cut off first and then be punished by the aforementioned means.
And that, my friends the world over, is as far as we got before The Simpsons came on TV. I have yet to select my cabinet which I assure you will not only be entertaining but digestive. Myself and Guy McNight will be challenging both Bush, Kerry and each other, ourselves individually and alone to a single once in a lifetime series of debates, only once… at least. We are speaking to Sharon Osbourne, of course, as a potential Vice Presidential candidate and running femate (the PC term for a non-male running mate). That’s mainly because I enjoy being controlled by women, plus I wouldn’t have to keep my Dominatrix on retainer anymore AND, imgine what would happen when Osama p*ssed her off!
Now, let’s trash this place and start drinking! The Rock ‘N’ Roll Party has begun! Vote for me. I’m no less stupid than the rest.
The previous was a paid political announcement by the People for A. Product for President.
JOIN THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL:
22nd Oct
Railway, Winchester
26th Oct
Liverpool Cavern Club
International Pop Overthrow Festival (acousti-mosh)
28th Oct
York, Cert. 18
Acousti-mosh
29th Oct
Sunderland Voodoo Room
Acousti-mosh
30th Oct
Middlesborough, Libertys
31st Oct
Hartlepool, Studio
Acousti-mosh
3rd Nov
Derby, Victoria Inn
4th Nov
Doncaster Leopard
6th Nov
Witchfest, Fairfield Halls, Croydon
Acousti-Mosh Set.
7th Nov
Witchfest, Fairfield Halls, Croydon
Pyro Show.
8th Nov
Hull University
Acousti-mosh
11th Nov
Utrecht, Big Daddies, Holland
12th Nov
Maassuis, Unique, Holland
14th Nov
Edinburgh
TBC
17th Nov
Birkenhead, Iron Door
19th Nov
The High Stool, Limerick, Ireland
22nd Nov
Newcastle Trillians
23rd Nov
Surrey University
25th Nov
Worcester, Marr’s Bar
29th Nov
Lincoln Prinhall
with The Damned
30th Nov
Middlesborough Town Hall
2nd Dec
Cleethorpes Winter Gardens
Posted on Wed, 13 October 2004 at 18:00
