Wall of Mouths

Good grief, I wish some people will have a sense of fucking humour, for crying out loud.

Just got started on Bret Easton Ellis’ new book, Lunar Park. A part of me is regreting buying it because I found his last book a right struggle. Chuck Palanhiuk’s Haunted was really good, though.

Since that last post, I’ve been feeling down again. Less said the better.

At the moment, I’m alright. I’ve managed to give up smoking (for now, at least), and tried not to let those thoughts get to me. I’ve done a lot of reading, writing, played loads of music and played guitar (going through a Biohazard phase at the mo). Currently getting into photography, having taken loads of pictures.

Just thought I’d let you all know of how I’m feeling.

I hate to bring this thread up again, but its gotten to the point where I hated the Xmas/New Year period. I had a real few bad days, where my sleep patterns changed, causing mood swings and snapping at my parents, who of all people, have been most understanding of my needs.

I hated the recent New Year period - I couldn’t connect with people, bar a few people who wanted nothing more than a quickie. I left the whole thing at quarter to one and wasn’t even off my head.

Shit, I feel really bad, just for getting that off my chest.

Right, where to begin, other than feeling shit for bringing this thread up again.

As I right this, I’ve got this attacking feeling, which buzzes and makes me feel jumpy. Its a feeling that I get if I don’t take my tablets for 48 hours. I’ve been regular with my medication and make sure I’ve got enough to get me through the week.

The mood swings have been awful. I feel like either screaming or crying, yet I just lie on my bed, numb and motionless. Did a bit of reading, listen to music, things that I love doing but hardly washes the feelings inside.

As I right this, I’m in a cyber cafe and going to see the Chronicals of Narnia. I might have a drink later, see how I’m feeling.

I think this is enough for now.

White Psycho wrote:

I take it this thread is driving you nuts, then?

Right, I really do wonder if there is a God.

People are homeless, children are dying of AIDS, people struggle to find work, others want to top themselves (look, I know I started ‘that’ thread, but lets keep it there)…I do wonder if he exists or he’s taking the piss.

Again, I’m out of the house and started smoking again. Feels like I’ve got voices going through me, even though I had a good day on Sunday (went to Bristol, just to look around). Then the next day I had some mood swings and couldn’t focuss on anything. Now those feelings are returning.

They never end, but still, I have no intention of topping myself at the moment. Again, thanks for your help.

Its a bad idea all round. Anyway, I’m thinking of giving up drinking, and my reasons for this are on another thread.

One thing I must give up - drinking. I’m not an alcoholic by any means, but drink is a depressent. I drink because I enjoy it, but at the same time, drinking whilst going through another depression is a different matter.

I’m not that good today (28/11/05), as I’m going through another phase. My dossage of anti-depressents has gone up and it’ll be a while before they kick in. I regret drinking heavliy the night before, cause that has led me to binge eat. Don’t think I’ll last much in the gym today, but I’ll see how things are on Wednesday.

Through these bouts, I just listen to violent music (mainly Slayer) and did a bit of reading to take my mind off it, or try too(reading Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt, a pretty good book).

I know that T? have listed some of their fave books and albums, and I’ve made a note to check some of it out. Like an excuse for living, in a way.

Hatham wrote:

Talking of deaths, i heard that the guy who played Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid’s died aswell :(

Aye, but minus the press though.

Rest easy, Mr Miyagi. You too George, enough of a man to admit that he had a real problem, and I’d rather remember him for that.

I do believe, yet at the same time, I hate the church usuing the bible to get at their way and control lives. I do wonder if Christ himself would approve, though I very much doubt it.

The church, Christian, Catholic, Prodesment or whatever, is slowly losing its grip on the public. Fair enough, not everyone is going to agree on this, but from my experience, (and speaking as a lapsed Catholic)I find people from faith based schools shove relgion down people’s throats. I do wonder what my old school would think, having my own beliefs, taking people for what they are and not what they’re about.

I can picture these people now. On December 1st is World Aids Day, and I’ll be going to a fund raising event. From what I was told, sixth formers in my old school were told to take its symbol - the red ribbon - off because they, the Catholic church, says its not natural. Safe to say they love their Popes, even if they do leave people in worse off places suffering with this dreadful virus.

Talk about the meaning, dropping like flies. Boss Man, Bulldog, Owen Hart and now Hawk. Legion of Doom were great…AWWWAAAWWW WHAT A RUSH!

MR POO! wrote:

Boss man died fairly recently.

I never knew that…

I haven’t followed WWF (or WWE, rather) for years now. Sorry to hear about him though. I was a keen follower of Big Boss Man, Legion of Doom and the Hart Foundation, as well as the late Davey Boy Smith, aka The British Bulldog, whose passing at the age of 38 hardly made the pages of the British press. Typical.

I go to the gym twice a week, which helps a little (though losing weight is a little difficult), do a bit of reading (currently reading Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh for the millionth time)and been listening to a lot of music (I’m on a Converge trip at the moment).

Yet on the other hand, I’m currently taking two types of anti-depressents, with my dossage going up. I had a pscoytrist (you know what I mean) appointment this past Tuesday (15/11/05), and I’m on the waiting list to have psycho therapy in the new year (around June/July)and that seems a long way off.

This thread, it has to be said, is very supportive, so THANX.

As I read the responses, I’me just getting over a very shitty weekend. As I write this, I’m in an internet cafe, with the sound of kids playing computer games. They’re loud, but at the same time, I’m glad I’m at this place, rather than getting worked up with being alone with the feelings that I’ve had. I don’t have the internet in the house, but I doubt that having the net in my bedroom would solve anything.

I’m off to my local gay pub, watch a drag show (a guilty pleasure, I admit) and try my best to make the most of life.

Thanks for reading, I’m sure there may be more response to the matter. Also, thanks for, I know its a cliche, opening my eyes for me to know that I’m not alone.

Again, thanks.

Title: Depression - Can’t hack it any more

I know the title sounds like I’m desperate, but at the moment, I’ve got voices going round my head and feeling doing myself in. I’ve lived with this for most of my adult life and has gotten to the point where I can’t take anymore. I’ve got appointments to see my care worker and all that, but its just gotten to a certain point where I can’t just hack it anymore.

This is by no means a suicide note. I’ve not reached that point yet, though I have done many times before (tried going through with it, only to tell myself that the following day woud be better).

And I’m not asking T? or anyone from WoM’s for their suggestions either - that wouldn’t be fair. I’m only sharing my feelings with you lot. At the moment, as I type this, I feel this is the only place I can express my feelings. I know you only know me as fatboy, but I think you all have known me for a while.

Again, this is not a suicde note, and I can’t express that enough. I know something in life is there is waiting for me - let it be having my own band, publish books, those ambitions that we all have. Have a relationship, friendships that we all long for in life.

But I think that’s enough for now. As said, I’m not asking for suggestions, but just let you know of how I’m feeling at the moment.

Thanks, and I’ll put in a few more words next week.

Title: Mean Creek

A few months ago, Kerrang! reviewed this film got Mean Creek, and gave the film four K’s. The story i based around a couple of American high school kids who seek revenge on a bully. They invite the bully to a boating trip, with the intention on leaving him naked in the water and force him to make his way home. However, the trick goes wrong and the others have a body on their hands.

I had been looking out for this film for ages, yet it was never in Swansea, so I had to wait for the DVD to come out. Thankfully, its been released, and fuck, I was not disappointed. I loved it.

Think Lord of the Flies, Deliverance and River’s Edge and you’ll get the picture.

Who gives a shit. Proper metal, Nu-metal, whatever. If you like it go for it, if you don’t then just leave it.

Its that simple, folks.

Like I really give a shit about the Tories. Anyway, Liam Fox looks like the leader of the BNP.

fatboy wrote:

Rest easy, Stanley Fletcher!

Sorry, that should be Norman Stanley Fletcher.

Good quote from the character, whilst playing Monopoly; Would you Adam and Eve - go straight to jail.

Rest easy, Stanley Fletcher!

As I write this, I’m a little hung over. I’ve got to stop drinking. I’m serious, cause I end up eating in a greasy spoon cafe and then chucking my guts up. Then again, I’ve got to look into the reasons why I get so…ed in the first place.

Having mental health problems are not fun, it has to be said. Drinking cause I’m lonley and feel left out in the world. Smoking is like an anti-depressent, but that’s easier to give up rather than the tablets that I’m on. If I don’t take them, I start having electric type shocks through my body…HELL.

Right, that’s enough.

Thanks for reading this, by the way.

A remake of the mighty fine Wicker Man - NO. Remakes of cult classics are always shit, end of. That Exorcism in a earlier post looks good.

However, though I did make a thread of this issue, my recent fave film has to be Green Street. Sorry, but I loved it despite its errors.

Forget what the critics think, cause at the end of the day, its just their opinion.

I’m tempted to shoot the cunt.

Title: Green Street

Just to say a few words that Green Street, the hooligan film with Elijah Wood, is a must see. Though not as edgy as last year’s Football Factory, I just thought I’d use this space to recomend this film. Mixed reviews and dodgy cockney accents aside, I JUST LOVED THIS FILM.

Its worth a look, in other words. Gawd, I’ve got to stop babbling on like that.

deadsetgav wrote:

Kevin Bacon cant die - he is the centre of Hollywood!

Kevin played a right bastard in Sleepers. Good portrayl as well, as kiddie fucker who got what he deserved.