Wall of Mouths

Are you back for good? :)

I’m up in court next week, accused of raping a virgin twice.
But I’m pleading not guilty on the grounds that she wasn’t a virgin the second time I raped her.

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I came home last night and there was a big spider in the bath.

I wouldn’t have minded but it’d used all the fucking hot water.

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Little Billy walks into class after being absent the previous day.
The teacher demands, “where were you yesterday?”
Billy replies “sorry miss, my dad got burned”
The teacher says “I’m sorry, i hope it wasn’t anything serious”
Billy replies “well they don’t really fuck about at the crematorium miss”

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I find women are like lava lamps…

Very pretty to look at, just not very bright

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I took my Mother in Law to the antiques road show.

They confirmed that she was old but said she wasn’t worth a lot!

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How do you make a baby crawl in circles?
Nail its hand to the floor.

How do you make it stop?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

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A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on indicating to him to pull over. As the copper approaches the car he sees the Scouser is slapping the dog`s head. He tells the driver to wind down his window and asks “Why are you hitting the dog?” The Scouser replies, “The bloody thing just ate my tax disc”

I now feel bad cause I’m the only contributer to this thread :(

At least laugh :)

Read backwards is GBH, you trying to tell us something, Scotty?

Seen Hancock and Kong Fu Panda last night.

Both quality films

And a very happy birthday to Grant!

You un-employed little shit ;)

Have a good one mate :D

I slept with one of those ‘high class’ prostitutes the other week. I’m not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.

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I just got a Charity appeal letter from the Alzheimer’s Society.
Its the 43rd one this week.

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So the Portugese police have finally closed the case on Madeline McCann. In a press conference today, Gerry McCann said that they would continue undeterred. He announced that there would be a reward of a million quid to anyone who could find the person responsible for his daughter’s disappearance.

200 journalists lunged forward, grabbed Kate and yelled, “found her!”

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How many soapy tit wanks does it take to change a lightbulb?
I’ll do it for one.

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This morning I heard there were some whale demonstrators in our local harbour so I went to have a look.

What a fucking joke! They didn’t even have one whale!

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Opinions are like dicks, only men should have them.

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Just saw this on the BBC website, “Call for specialist rape squads”
Where do I sign up?

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Why did God invent STDs?

So celebrities could give their fans something that can’t be sold on eBay.

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Remember those 15 soldiers captured for straying into Iranian waters who then sold their story?

14 men, 1 woman.

Doesn’t take a genius to work out who was reading the fucking map does it?

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I just got skylights put in my place.
The woman upstairs is furious.

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My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said “we need to talk about our future”.

I said “yeah, it’s gonna be fucking mental - we’ll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!”

I’m now single.

Yeh, I was thinkin about black stars goin all around the top of my arm.

Then the idea hit me…

Black stars with hints of red blood!

How cool would that look!?

Dusty, I’m considering getting stars around my smiley bones, do yah reckon it’d look good?

I like stars…

Mrs h, the mum allowed it and the tattooist is a friend :)

Does she Zipless?! :D

I’ve got 2.

One is stars…

And the other is the Wildhearts Smiley Bones

I’m seriously considering some stars around the smiley bones, and I’ve already decided to get my stars expanded on :)

I’m a 30” waist :)

Cristiano Ronaldo was bowled over by his player of the year award.

Even though slow-motion replays showed that it clearly never touched him.

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A convicted drug dealer is in prison, and his father, an old farmer, comes to visit. His father explains that they are having problems.
“Son, the ground is frozen. It is too hard for me to dig myself at my age, but I can’t afford extra men or to hire machines- I don’t think we will be able to plant crops this year, which will mean we will go bankrupt and lose the farm.”

Later the prisoner goes back to his cell and writes a letter to his father- ” Dear Father, please be aware that a good friend of mine will be visiting soon. There is a large quantity of stuff he is collecting. It is hidden on the farm, he will know exactly what to do.”

Some weeks later the prioner’s father comes to visit. “Well, son, your friend never showed up, but before I even got your letter the police came round, searched the whole house and dug up all the land around, but they didn’t find anything.”

The prisoner smiles, ” Happy planting, dad.”

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My daughter told me she was pregnant the other day. I was more angry at myself than at her, to be honest.

I knew I should have worn that condom.

Sorry.

It’s fucking raining Scott!

haha I love these Will It Blend things!!
Sheer brilliance!

haha brilliant :D

What’s blue and white and fucks old ladies?

The NHS

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Prevent teen pregancy:

Fuck a twelve year old!

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When my wife came home last Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me asleep on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch telly all day, she yelled, “Watch yourself, Mister, or you’re going to make me do something I don’t want to do.”
I thought…”I can’t believe it - I’m going to get a fucking blowjob out of this!”

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A group of mates are sitting at a bar discussing problems.

“My wife has cut me down to one shag a week”, said one upset looking man.

“Cheer up mate”, said his friend “She’s cut some of us out completely”

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What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

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Why is sex like air?

It’s only important when you’re not getting any

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A primary school teacher spots that James, one of her pupils, is clutching a cat. She inquires, “James, why is your cat at school today?”

James, now in tears, replies, “I heard the postman telling Mummy ‘when the kids go to school today, I’m going to eat your pussy’!”

I’ll get my coat

Good morning Gav :)

Sorry it’s late!

I miss Hanne too, she’s cute :)

happy birthday!

Right, I know she won’t read this so here goes :)

I fucking hate the way a girl I used to work with fucking takes advantage of me at every oppurtunity and, because I’m a bit of a daft cunt, I let her!!
In a generalisation, I fucking hate people that use you and take advantage of you! I’ve been a right moody sod so far today, because I’m starting to get paranoid that people are only using me!!
ARGH I fucking hate human beings..

And breathe :)

Is just me or should the paralympics be on a comedy channel instead of BBC1?

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Following the recent media frenzy about youth crime, Gordon Brown has said he is targetting “problem families”

Me too! Last weekend I burned down two council houses.

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Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I cant stand

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My dentist just won ‘dentist of the year’
All he got was a little plaque.

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I just dont get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick… but no cunt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?!

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I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, “do you sell bereavement cards?”
She said, “yes, sir.”
So I said, “could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?”

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A plane is in flight. Suddenly a speaker goes on, and the pilot says ‘Hello ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve just reached, OH SHIT!’
The stunned passengers wait in a terrified silence. Finnaly, the speaker comes back on, and the pilot once again speaks. ‘Sorry for that disturbance, the stewardess just spilt coffee on me. You should see the front of my pants!’
A man at the end of the plane shouts ‘You should see the back of mine!’

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If you’re bored and want to find out something amusing. Go to
http://www.imdb.com (internet movie database)

and in the search criteria type in the word wanker.

Quite fitting that this guys name comes up, the biggest wanker I can think of to be honest.

The head of MI5 says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the UK.
That doesn’t bother me - I got married last week.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7499631.stm

Happy belated birthday Fuzzeh and a very happy birthday to Holly :)

Also, happy birthday to my mum :)

My wife said we should do something different on our anniversary this year. No idea what she did, but I got a soapy tit wank off her best friend.

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After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.”

In a rattled state, I replied, “you’re not so fucking skinny yourself, actually.”

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My wife has told me she’s recently lost the urge to masturbate. She’s just not feeling herself, lately.

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If you have nuts on your wall what do you have? Walnuts.
If you have nuts on your chest what do you have? Chestnuts.
If you have nuts on your chin what do you have? A fucking big mouthful of cock.

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it, but I know he’s thinking it.

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

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Times really do change, when I was at school I always used to dream of fucking a teacher.

Now I am a teacher all I seem to do is dream of fucking a pupil.

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I am very much into DIY. Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

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Christianity:

The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live for ever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Makes perfect sense really.

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I see that the “credit crunch” is hitting Japan in quite a bad way. The Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of it’s branches. Insider reports say that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 office staff at the Karate Bank have got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and staff there fear that they may get a raw deal.

TAXI!!!

The Church Of England has voted to back women bishops.

Great. Someone to do all that dusting.

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The wife has got three double wardrobes full of “nothing to wear”

I have a been granted a hanging space big enough for about four hangers and two drawers for my own clothes and I am the “selfish one”

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What’s purple, hard, 18 inches long and makes women scream in the night?

Cot death.

Sorry :(

Aww, that’s class!
I just watched Knocked Up (don’t ask why) and now I really, really, REALLY wanna be a dad :D

I thought I posted a congratulations, but I didn’t.

So congratulations you too :)

Well… ;)

I’m gonna be posting a joke every day til I die now :)

Eighteen year old Virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.

Carlsberg don’t do rapes…

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The Moon has no atmosphere.
Neither does Skegness, but we don’t spend millions of pounds going there to find out.

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I got arrested while taking my daughter shopping for her school uniform today. Apparently, Ann Summers doesn’t sell the “right kind” of school uniform.

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My father has always said to me: “Son, you’re not a real man until you’ve made a girl gag on your cock whilst giving you head”

Which is why I haven’t washed mine for months.

Apparently I look like Andy Murray when I have the curly mop on my head!

Currently avoiding Big Brother in all shape and forms.