Wall of Mouths

mr self destruct wrote:

Shame that photo of me and Howard Brown isn’t on here anymore :)

I never seen that pic, can you upload it somewhere? :D

The head of MI5 says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the UK.
That doesn’t bother me - I got married last week.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7499631.stm

Happy belated birthday Fuzzeh and a very happy birthday to Holly :)

Also, happy birthday to my mum :)

My wife said we should do something different on our anniversary this year. No idea what she did, but I got a soapy tit wank off her best friend.

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After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.”

In a rattled state, I replied, “you’re not so fucking skinny yourself, actually.”

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My wife has told me she’s recently lost the urge to masturbate. She’s just not feeling herself, lately.

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If you have nuts on your wall what do you have? Walnuts.
If you have nuts on your chest what do you have? Chestnuts.
If you have nuts on your chin what do you have? A fucking big mouthful of cock.

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it, but I know he’s thinking it.

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

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Times really do change, when I was at school I always used to dream of fucking a teacher.

Now I am a teacher all I seem to do is dream of fucking a pupil.

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I am very much into DIY. Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

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Christianity:

The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live for ever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Makes perfect sense really.

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I see that the “credit crunch” is hitting Japan in quite a bad way. The Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of it’s branches. Insider reports say that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 office staff at the Karate Bank have got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and staff there fear that they may get a raw deal.

TAXI!!!

:D

I dunno, maybe yer just more alert than usual?

I’ve always noticed it

They’ve always been there, Grant :)

haha seems like a cool movie!

The Church Of England has voted to back women bishops.

Great. Someone to do all that dusting.

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The wife has got three double wardrobes full of “nothing to wear”

I have a been granted a hanging space big enough for about four hangers and two drawers for my own clothes and I am the “selfish one”

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What’s purple, hard, 18 inches long and makes women scream in the night?

Cot death.

Sorry :(

Aww, that’s class!
I just watched Knocked Up (don’t ask why) and now I really, really, REALLY wanna be a dad :D

I thought I posted a congratulations, but I didn’t.

So congratulations you too :)

Well… ;)

I’m gonna be posting a joke every day til I die now :)

Eighteen year old Virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.

Carlsberg don’t do rapes…

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The Moon has no atmosphere.
Neither does Skegness, but we don’t spend millions of pounds going there to find out.

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I got arrested while taking my daughter shopping for her school uniform today. Apparently, Ann Summers doesn’t sell the “right kind” of school uniform.

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My father has always said to me: “Son, you’re not a real man until you’ve made a girl gag on your cock whilst giving you head”

Which is why I haven’t washed mine for months.

Apparently I look like Andy Murray when I have the curly mop on my head!

Currently avoiding Big Brother in all shape and forms.

I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

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Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important…
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

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Stephen Hawkings and Christopher Reeve walk into a bar…

Oh Wait.

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I find all these obese jokes horrible.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?

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A woman goes to the police, to report that she was raped.

They ask her does she know the guy who did it, she replies, ‘It was a council worker.’

They ask her how she knew he was a council worker?

She replied, ‘I had to do all the work.’

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Half of relationships end because of bad sex.

Mine however ended because of good sex…

With another Woman.

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David Cameron’s policy of ‘hug a hoodie’ is fucking ridiculous.

In fact, why stop there?

Tickle a rapist.

Wank-off a paedophile.

I’ll get my coat…

Attempt two..

James (PO)
Vidic (MU) Lauresen (AV) Johnson Campbell (both PO)
Fabregas (c) (AR) Barry (AV) Dempsey (FU) Petrov (MC)
Barbatov (TH) Diouf (BO)

Replacements:
Schwarzer (FU)
Scharner (WI)
Downing (MI)
Cole (AV)

I am not confident :)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=pfFRv_1XdDM

Thanks Allroy

It’s another sleepless night!
What’s the craic folkes?

Reckon we could get a certain Andy Cairns to go shirtless and post a video like that?
Of like.. nowhere :D

haha class

Happy birthday WP :D

Fuck off!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7481715.stm

I did shit for LaverysLosers cause they sacked me :D

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eSftS2XK_bM&feature=related

Most of Pleasure Death

That’s what I’m going to do the training for ;)

Did you ask for a refund for the price of the drink?
As far as I’m aware, because it wasn’t opened, you’re entitled to your money back.
Also, did the door staff offer you to drink it on the premises, think they have to do that…