Wall of Mouths

A few dead Russian soldiers from their failed occupation of Afghanistan.

Er, I floated there from the Bering Strait but got obstructed in Stoke by all the toilets in the Trent.

Yes, I’ve floated here from Staffordshire. Much better than using public transport. I think I’ve got cholera now though…

I don’t drive through Stoke, partly because I haven’t got a car, but mainly because it’s much better to swim down the river. As long as you’re prepared to have your stomach pumped afterwards it’s a great way to spend an afternoon.

Don’t panic Mr Bomb. I was thinking of gorgeous Stoke instead.

Can’t you wait just 20 more years for your sentence to finish? Then the headless boatman will ferry you back across the Trent to civilisation. And we’ll make you a nice cup of Yorkshire Tea.

Half A Person- The Smiths

They’re obviously not being secret enough though.

After five years back-breaking labour in the salt mines of the Dennisshire region you can apply to become a citizen.

There’s far too much making going on here. It’s getting like an episode of Blue Peter.

I think Clarkson does possess some wit, the problem is that his opinions are those of an obnoxious arse and he fronts a programme that is basically just a few ex-private schoolboys pissing about.

I think he might need a lobotomy.

*strokes notes*

*makes beard*

The Duke Spirit last night at Leeds Cockpit’s naff middle room. A poor venue for an excellent band, shame they haven’t established a big enough following to play at a better place!

Unfortunately there’s far too much of this kind of thing around. I never thought people could stoop even LOWER than The Feeling.

She learnt that trick in the Boer War Dennis.

French Disko by Stereolab on Radio 6

Looks like you’d better puree his Grey Peas and Bacon from now on…

I think Dennis prefers tiger striped rather than leopard print bikinis. Plus, I’ve put a hole in my pink legwarmers.

I’m allergic to crap nightclubs too.

Allying with Lancashire? God, that’s like the Nazi-Soviet Pact! I think Mrs H fits Stalin best out of the two. Gav can be Von Ribbentrop.

Yes, and Derby and Nottingham as well.

Lapdancers…?

Taunty Dan wrote:

So…Igors residence will be empty this evening? Hmmm… *plans burglary from afar*

Sorry Dan, but there’s still the butler, kitchen staff, gamekeeper, domestic servants and estate workers in. You don’t think I give them any time off, do you?

Which one of the delightful recipes though? They’re probably best warmed up for the 200th time 6 weeks after being cooked.

I’m sure I’d give it a try! Maybe it puts hairs on your chest…

Yes. Just remember the night when it said: “I’m far too important to be climbing on the roof. Get up that ladder and fix that aerial NOW…”

Miss Modular by Stereolab. Very chirpy indeed.

Which Horsforth? Can you tell the difference between them?

*tries to distract Dan while Mrs H steals his pocket-watch*

That is a vicious slur. There just happens to be a lot of goods falling off the back of lorries.

But, Dan, he’s right with the rest. Give him 30 seconds…