Wall of Mouths

Title: Let the jokes commence, but…

I sell drugs for a living.

Unfortunately, that ain’t a joke, I’ve been a qualifed pharmacist since 1998. It was a standing joke that for each matriculation photo I posed for from 1993-1997 I wore the same Shortsharpshock T-shirt [the one with the razor blade on the back, fact fans]. I don’t have it now, I think my mum chucked it out.

Still, the holes under the oxters were nearly as big as the neck-hole, so it probably wasn’t a big loss.

Title: Seven degrees of Tom Jones?

Wasn’t there an interview in Kerrang! in 1994/5 when Therapy? were playing at some MTV awards show, and Tom Jones introduced them with the immortally funny joke “Ladies and gentlemen, I think we need some therapy… AND HERE THEY ARE!!! etc.”

Still trying to think of those random bootlegs my mind has given me. No luck. They pop into my head several times a week, but after I’ve had a few drinks and I’m ranting on the internet, can I remember any of them?

Title: Internal Jukebox

Maybe it’s just me, in which case feel free to throw whatever abuse you think is necessary in my direction.

You know when you hear a song and your brain provides you with one of those “bootleg mash-ups” the kids keep talking about these days? Like one of those Strokes/Christina Aguilera hybrids, except it only exists in your head.

I’ve had plenty over the years. (Naturally, I can’t think of any of them just now to give you an example.) What I’m trying to put across, though, is that you hear one thing and your unconscious mind makes an instant connection to something totally unrelated.

I just listened to Nurse. As the dying strains of “Hypermania” faded away, my bastard brain made it segue into “Black” by Pearl Jam.

I actually don’t mind Pearl Jam, but this made me feel slightly unclean for some reason.

Title: The Perfect Band

Vocals: Johnny Cash
Guitar: John Frusciante
Bass: Bill Gould
Keyboards/Backing Vocals: Trent Reznor
Drums: Fyfe Ewing
Rhythm Guitar: Les McQueen (ex-Creme Brulee)
Painful Suicide: Lee from Blue

Title: P’Noodle

My faith in Pot Noodles was severly tested by the “turkey & stuffing” flavour special edition. Exactly the same taste, consistency, and (if you leave it for exactly 23 minutes) temperature as fresh vomit.

Chicken & Mushroom, plus added chilli powder, cumin seeds and oregano, that’s the way to go.